Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

December 23, 2011
Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
10100 Pines Blvd.
Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: Never apologize. It’s a sign of weakness. Besides, what’s wrong with an ad hominem argument if it’s true and you really mean it? Some comments on Congressman Sensenbrenner and Mrs. Obama’s soon to be Spandexed bum.

Dear Darling Debbie, Debbie,

I write to you because it’s that time of the year again and I want to share some winter solstice good feelings with you.

It appears that Congressman Sensenbrenner, himself a “calorically challenged” average White man, has apologized to today’s poster child of the conspicuous consumption of the nouveau riche, Michele Obama, for saying she had a “large posterior”. I hope he said she had a fat ass. “Posterior” should only be used when reading x-rays.

Does Michele have a fat ass?

Not yet.

What she has is “big butt” potential that borders on the Homeric.

Her first attainable goal is Aretha Franklin. You may remember when she sang at Bill Clinton’s inaugural. She wore a fur coat that “deminked” Idaho. Whenever she had to haul ass she needed a big wheel barrel and two gallons of Gorilla Glue to keep her in it. She went to the hospital a few months ago for eating a pound of uncooked sausage and a dozen Moon Pies still in its original shipping container. The ambulance was of no use so a fork lift and a flat-bed truck were summoned. Luckily, a Gardner-Denver drilling rig was nearby or the stomach pumping would not have worked. If I were to mention Aunt Jemima or Ethel Waters Eric Holder, an Attorney General who brings to mind the glory days of Palmer and Reno, would sic his dreaded word police on me so I won’t.

Michele Obama is the reason why Lycra was invented and Spandex was developed. Should she ever have to do her own shopping she would never get out of the candy aisle. Once she learns how to ignore the wrapping the world record for eating Mr. Goodbars would be hers. She is going to put Big & Tall and Ms. Plus size on speed dial.

When they are evicted from the White House and she begins to have whole hams swimming in 5 gallons of red gravy for breakfast her and B.O’s horizontal tangoes will be spoken of in biblical terms. He will have to strap a 2x4 by 4 feet onto his waist lest he go AWOL.

You know me to be to be an erudite polemicist, one who is as familiar with Greece and Rome as I am with the mendacity of Democratic politics in Hudson County and Broward County, and as one who knows how to wring a laugh out of the absurdities of modern American Liberalism and its public practitioners. You know that I lace my letters to you with literary and Historical references. I shan’t do that after today. The reason is simple: I used to think you were smart what with 2 degrees in Political Science. It is now obvious that some of those credits were transferred in from the Columbia Broadcasting School of Sophistry and the Rangoon School of Proctology.

I apologize for saying anything but “Ain’t Biden stupid”. If I were to it would be casting pearls before swine.

Do you remember when Amiri Baraka, nee Leroi Jones, noted Democratic urban activist, said that “Condoleezza was a skeeza”? “Skeeza” is hip-hop, inner city Black shorthand for an inner city Black skank whore. On bad days her pustules and fistulas would be oozing a combination of proteins, amino acids, and an alien primordial substance unknown to modern medicine. On good days they would not be in projectile mode. Whatever else can be said about a “skeeza” having a fat ass is not on the short list. Let the record show that the “skeeza” in question was Condoleezza Rice. She was this racist nation’s first Black Secretary of State.

If Baraka the Black Bard didn’t have to apologize why should Congressman Sensenbrenner?

Speaking of fat asses, Hillary Clinton has just crossed the border into Madeline Albright territory. If we could get both of them on “Dancing with the Stars” we wouldn’t need a Neilson meter. We would need a friggin’ Richter scale.

Speaking of not nice things said with no consequences and certainly no remorse shown do you remember when Senator Richard Durbin, still known to his high school gym class chums as “Little Dickie”, said the American GIs were “Nazis”? Do you remember when Congressman Murtha said that Marines were “murderers”?

If Durbin and Murtha didn’t have to apologize why should Congressman Sensenbrenner?

I would be remiss if when the subject is fat asses I didn’t mention Michael Moore. You may recall that around the same time – 9/18/01 - you sent two policemen, men with badges and guns, to my house to “question” me about something I said Fat Mikey said that he only wished that the Islamic thugs had killed more Republicans on 9/11.

Since he didn’t have to apologize why should Congressman Sensenbrenner?

Do you remember when you said, immediately after Congresswoman Giffords was shot, that Right-Wing talk radio [As if there were any other kind], gun lovers, androids in fiefdom to the notorious Koch Brothers, gun lovers, secret members of the hated Federalist Society, people who don’t think that “Midnight Basketball” and “Alternative Shopping” are sound building blocks of public policy provided the climate that allowed the shooter to plot and carry out his heinous crime?

It turns out the Department of Justice, an agency run by an AG who is making Janet Reno into a loveable character, has decided that they cannot bring the alleged perpetrator to trial. The reasons are simple: Since he is unable to understand the charges against him he is incapable of assisting in his own defense.

If you didn’t apologize why should Congressman Sensenbrenner?

You may recall that Ricky Ray Rector was similarly situated. He was deemed expendable. A White governor wanted to be President. He had to be thought of as tough on crime. Plus, frying a Black man would show that he could stand up to them.

It worked.

Just ask President Clinton.

Since the subject is posteriors – asses to the great unwashed – and I have given several examples of Brobdanaglian backsides let me end this on a high note.

There can be no doubt that the most perfect ass in Christendom belongs to and is appropriately displayed by Pippa Middleton. If we can arrange a reverse Lend Lease perhaps we could get her over here to inspire some of our more steatyagonous public officials. If not, how about a country wide road show?

By the way, Biden really is stupid but his wife has a very nice ass.




Kevin Smith