Mayor Frank C. Ortis

November 27, 2012
Mayor Frank C. Ortis
10100 Pines Boulevard
Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: Cell phones cause cancer, frogs cause warts, and every time I think the gene pool can’t get any lower I am shocked, shocked when it does.

Mr. Mayor,

Back before plaid became the favorite color of modern American Liberals, particularly those who engaged in the quasi-profession of education, people learned that correlation is not causation.

I am going to type verrrrrry, verrrrry slowly, it being the first time you have come face to face with Logic, one of the wonders of the ancient world. I’ll try to be gentle.

Jimmy Gonzales having headaches does not mean that his cell phone caused him to have cranial tumors. What caused my cranial tumors, the surgeon used the word “aggressive”, was and is known. The villain of the piece was/is….drum roll, please…. the sun.

Would not fairness dictate that Pembroke Pines ban all daytime activity, particularly for fair skinned males of northern European extraction?

I am sure you remember when the overwhelming consensus of scientific opinion [“overwhelming consensus of scientific opinion”? Where have we heard that before? You’re right. Global Warming] was that tomatoes were poisonous. Since I can find no evidence that they aren’t I suggest that, strictly as a precautionary measure, Pembroke Pines bans the consumption of pizza. As you so eloquently say “a lot of scientific data has to be done with…”

I am not quite sure what in Allah’s name you mean by that but I am absolutely, positively certain that it sounds like bullshit to me. Accordingly, as keeper of the keys and seals of the 3 most important awards in Christendom, I name you, Frank Ortis

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

Forget about literacy tests for the voters. We need to impose retroactive ones on all elected officials.

Some of the questions would be what color is an orange. Then, how do you spell TV. The tie breaker would be can you find your ass using both hands. Am I going too fast for you?

Here’s a thought for what you can give Pembroke Pines for a non-denominational holiday gift.

Think vasectomy.


Kevin Smith
PS – Next week we will study whether Ptolemy got a raw deal