Tamarac Vice Mayor Michelle Gomez

December 1, 2012
Tamarac Vice Mayor Michelle Gomez
7525 NW 88th Street
Tamarac, FL 33321

Madame Vice Mayor,

I saw a headline this AM from the U.K. Daily Mail. It said, in its entirety

“Man who grew up in foster care discovers his long-lost
Mother is world record holding bearded lady.”

At the risk of being culturally arrogant I said that this country could top that. It took me but a few minutes to find the first contender. From Page 2B of today’s Sun Sentinel, in a story about coyotes setting up shop in Tamarac comes the following:

“But Tamarac Vice Mayor Michelle Gomez said there’s little
people can do beyond discouraging coyotes from entering
yards. “They are animals we have to coexist with,” she said.
“We have to learn to live with them and be responsible for our pets.”

God’s Holy Trousers! Stuff like that, coming from what would normally be a responsible adult, just quickens the arrival of the Mayan Calendar Day of Destruction.

To Hell with coyotes. How about wolves? How about cougars? How about friggin’ lions? Cape buffalos have always been a favorite of mine. The sure would spice up Earth Day, wouldn’t they?

Logic, that cruel mistress, demands that learning to live with them dictates that Tamarac makes allowances for 16 foot Burmese pythons and 1200 pound bull gators be allowed to do the inter-species horizontal tango free from human intrusion.

I know where I can get a 12 foot Queen cobra that is filled with soon to be delivered eggs. If you could get a descendant of the original Riki-Tiki-Tavi we could have a teachable moment for the kids to take part in. Perhaps a few show and tell sessions with Tasmanian Devils might be interesting.

Since we know that polar bears are drowning why not bring a few of them to Tamarac? I would prefer a Kodiak bear but the only salmon we have here is in delis. Maybe the polar bears will think that manatees will taste just like those yummy baby seals.

Tamarac yields to no one in its devotion to Gaia. Perhaps a lesson to be learned here is that we should bring back literacy tests, not for voters but for those running.

Alas, “stones are hard, water is wet”. Thus, the real world intrudes.

Accordingly, I bestow on you the coveted title of

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

Wear you honors proudly. No Affirmative Action here. You got it the old fashioned way. You earned it, you boob.





Kevin Smith

PS – Do you have a beard?