March 17, 2013
Steven L. Goldstein
The Sun Sentinel

RE: Habemus papam, 1978, and the Bush family – Some comments on your perpetually angst filled column on if you think things are bad now just wait.

My dear Professor,

Ave Papam Frankie!

The new Pope’s first outreach program is to grant Catholics one indulgence in the holy season of Lent. [ Who says I ain’t a multiculturalist? I have learned from our irenic Muslim brothers that anything that has anything to do with my religion will henceforth be either holy and/or sacred. Who knew that bingo was sacred? I didn’t. I do now. Next year’s all Catholic Big East basketball league will be holy. Allah damn it! Those WOGS are on to something, aren’t they? And there is no need to call them filthy WOGs. They are such per se.].

I will use my indulgence to break a vow to refrain from using you as the paradigmatic template for mush brained but meaner than cat shit modern American Liberals during the holy and sacred season of Lent. As such, you were always there for piñata poleaxing practice for me.

You mentioned in your Friday column that, should the evils of representative Democracy prevail and give you elected officials who don’t think that Midnight Basketball is good public policy, you wish to be transported back to the glory years of 1978.

1978
The Glory Years

JIMMY CARTER

The desire for a clean conscience in the holy/sacred season of Lent demands that I list 3 good things that he did.

#1 – He did not get to nominate any Supreme Court Justices.
#2 – He was so Homerically bad that he made it easy for the Great Reagan to take over and save the world from the Russkies.
#3 – He helped his brother, Billy Clyde, get a job with Muammar Khadafi.

If it were a football game I would be penalized for piling on if I mentioned that, in addition to not being able to find his ass using both his hands, he was so inept that he couldn’t get 5 helicopters to work. 16.5% T bills and 18.5% mortgages. It may have been the other way around. If you remember let me know.

If he had become Superintendent of the Sea Shore, once he found that he could not control the tides, he would have to buy sand.

On the other hand I can see you being repeatedly ravaged and ravished by a killer rabbit. There would be a line of Brer Rabbits and Peter Cottontails lined up far beyond the briar patch waiting to get their ears wrapped around you.

I search, vainly, for a synonym for putz.

But then came Sunday.

In case you’ve forgotten, Bills of Attainder are specifically forbidden by the Constitution. Because of that the sins of the father, real or imagined, cannot be visited upon the son[s]

The thought of another Bush puts your knickers in such a knot that should you require an industrial strength stool softener it would be wise not to stand close to your ears. Wearing a Haz-Mat suit would be prudent.

A quick trip down memory lane may be in order.

John Adams is most remembered for the Alien and Sedition Act and being involved in the 2nd dirtiest political campaign in American History. His son, JQ Adams, is most remembered for being involved in the dirtiest political campaign in American History.

Which brings us to the Kennedys, the Mother Lode of American dynasties.

Papa Joe, a philandering, stock swindling, boot-legger, who didn’t much like Jews. That makes it is easy to understand why he was a Hitler fan. Honest. You could look it up.

The first thing John Fitzgerald K did was to give his brother, Robert Francis K, a job. He made him Attorney General. He told the fawning press that he wanted to “give his kid brother some legal experience”. Before it was OK to “get chills up your leg”, the DC press became priapristically tumescent and learned to wear dark trousers when the President deigned to speak to them lest they embarrass themselves. Every ink stained wretch and wench save for Art Buchwald [The wenches, Sarah McClendon, Nancy Dickerson, Helen Thomas, inter alia. would immediately go into journalistic estrus when he wiggled his little finger at them.] swooned. Kennedy wanted Buchwald’s employer, the New York Herald Tribune, to send him out of the country. Honest. You could look it up.

Doubtless you remember that Bobby’s first job in Washington was as Counsel to Senator McCarthy. No, it wasn’t Gene; it was Joe. Honest. You could look it up.

The first things Bobby did were to wiretap Martin Luther King and try to kill Castro. Honest. You could look it up.

Meanwhile, there was an item since rocketed down the modern American Liberal memory hole. That’s where things go that fall under the category of “eclectic indignation”. It was his tax cuts that still drive the bug-eyed apes who think that “Midnight Basketball” is good public policy and that the way to cure poverty is to raise the minimum wage to $32.50 an hour. They were the largest tax cuts in 40 years. And they worked. Honest. You could look it up.

Jack set a record for Oval Office philandering that stood for almost 30 years. It took President Handsome Billy from Hot Springs, the King of the One-Eyed Trouser Snakes, to break it

Jack decided not to get us into Vietnam by getting us into Vietnam. Had Goldwater been elected whatever the United States did in Vietnam, whatever, go or stay, would have been over by Father’s Day, 1965. 58,000 names would not have been on the wall in DC because the wall would not have been built.

Lard, his Senator brother, had one lasting highlight in his life. He killed Mary Jo Kopechne. His nephew Joe, also a Congressman, only paralyzed one. His son Partick, yet another Congressman, proved that it is very, very good to be President of the Lucky Sperm Club. His niece, Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, the Lieutenant Governor of Maryland, was so dumb she made cold milk curdle. Honest. You could look it up.

Whatever arguments you can make about the policies of the Bushes, pere et fils et fils, it must be said that they got home for dinner, loved their wives, and raised good children. By “good” children I will use the Same Peckinpah definition: “They were able to enter their father’s house honorably.”

“People need to ask him [Jeb Bush] what he
believes are the proper roles of government.”
Sun Sentinel
Today
You

Funny you should mention that.

3 things leap to mind.

#1 – James Madison spelled out in declarative sentences what government can do.

#2 – George Mason spelled out in declarative sentences what government cannot do.

You will find both, surprisingly for you, in the same document. It is called the Constitution of the United States. It’s been around since 1787. It has been changed 27 times since with 12 of them coming before 1805

Honest. You could look it up.

#3 – This could be the most important of the three. James Madison, the same James Madison as in #1, replied when asked what was the most important trait to look for in a candidate for any public office, “Character. Character is all.”

I estimate it will take 50 Years and multiple yet undiscovered DNA contributors before any Kennedy can be said to possess “good character”. 50 years? That would bring us to 2063.

Since I am as Irish and as Catholic as those poltroons and poltroonessess, and since I am operating under a nihil obstat from Frank the First, I can say these things without fear, either temporal or eternal.

I shall go back to my long silence, said silence ending joyously on Easter Sunday.






KEVIN SMITH
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET