March 6, 2013
Michael Putney
The Miami Herald

Mikey!

Just when I thought it was going to be another day of “vainly fighting the old ennui” I came to your column. [I read the Sun Sentinel first]

Just like a Viagra enema!

I think – thought – that Crist is a toad whose favorite color is was – is – plaid. I think he would be the easiest candidate for Scott to beat. It’s always a shame when both can’t lose. But that’s not why I write.

Lower case global warming [your choice] is the reason.

One of my most treasured possessions is a 1971 copy of “The Population Bomb” by Paul Ehrlich, Ph.D. You may remember that he was a regular on the Johnny Carson Show. He came on right after the guy with the snakes and before either Don Rickles or Joan Rivers.

He said over and over that the “End of Days” was near. He said it would be a photo finish between starvation and Global Cooling. The finish line was halftime of the 2000 Rose Bowl, still the Granddaddy of Them All. He also said that the Roman Catholic Church was the main, in fact, the only culprit.

Today, March 6, 2013, finds me alive as are my creidtors, with my A/C on low, and both folliclely and calorically challenged.

As to the good Professor….

IT STILL SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT TO ME

Masters of Rhetoric challenge boobish Sophists by denying their major premise.

When I would finish my ever so gentle keelhauling and/or bastinadoing of a GlobalCollingGlobalWarmingClimateChange ohmadahn my wife would say to me, “That’s why people never ask us back”.

Why would anyone be opposed to saving the planet?

Follow the bouncing ball as I count the ways.


A – The earth warms.
B – More land becomes arable
C – More arable land means more protein
D – More protein means smarter people.
E – There was an upward spike in temperature 1200 years ago.
F – The Renaissance – Do you have a problem with that?
G – All those in favor of an Ice Age prepare to sit on my bayonet
H – Stand on the trap door marked “Lunatics”
I – Remove bayonet from rectum and cut off your nose.
J – Hasta la vista, you friggin’ nitwit.

In the glory days of Nixon, when he stopped the draft, introduced wage and price controls, and the EPA I would emerge from my shower and reach for the Right Guard. A quick squirt under each arm followed by a long squirt out the bathroom window. It was the least I could do to join in the fight against the dreaded ozone layer.

The entire climate change argument is based on tautologies on steroids. It makes the Bermuda Triangle folderol seem as precise as the multiplication table or Latin 1 or PI.

President Clinton announced that it was very hot in Washington in August because of Global Warming. Global Warming was then made worse by, you guessed it, hot summer days in Washington “Hot summer days in Washington” Who knew? Why didn’t someone tell me?

Pop quiz – How did Greenland get its name? Don’t know? Send a SASE.

Full disclosure requires me to tell you that my favorite climactic meteorologist is Professor Antonio “Big Red” Vivaldi.

What do cold winters, warm winters, tsunamis, fog, lake effect snow, “What is so rare as a day in June”, a confused Punxatawney Phil, hurricanes happening in Hampshire, :La Nina, El Nino, los Viejos, still born lambs, drowning polar bears, vernal equinoxes, asteroid fly-bys, the “Tea Party”, $9 beer at Dolphins Stadium, les merdes du Quebec, ginormous carbon footprints, Zap Mail, gas guzzling SUVs, coal, frost South of Frostproof, unniceness South of Niceville, summer colds, spring allergies,, autumn leaves, winter blues, Lite beer, plaid shirts and striped ties, les merdes du Quebec – There, I said it again, the perpetually heartbreaking heartbreak of psoriasis, the return of the Mayans and this time “No more Mr. Nice Guy”, the possible return of Alar, AKA the end of life as we know it on this planet, concupiscence, Big Gulps, taxing our way to prosperity, hope and change, and Michelle Obama’s exponentially burgeoning booty have in common?

They were all caused by – drum roll – man.

Having seen an infant die of malaria I would feed all the peregrine falcon eggs to Brer Fox and his extended family. Thanks to Rachel Carson 2,000,000 sub-Saharan Black babies die each year from malaria. DDT would save them. Rich White folk cared more about predatory raptors than they did about living, breathing people

Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. AKA Alpha Gump is the world’s biggest horse’s ass

I speak for man, the most endangered species of all.

I end with Faulkner.

“Man will not only endure. He will prevail.”



KEVIN SMITH
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET