October 30, 2015

John Harwood

CNBC

Mr. Harwood,

Has anyone ever told you that you are meaner than cat shit? Buckle up, you turd. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Back in the good old days, back when a 100% consensus of scientists said that not only was Ptolemy the top dog there was no one else in the race, back when it was not a question of whether or not angels could dance on the head of a pin but, rather, how many the faithful had a way of speeding up the canonization process.

When a person of extraordinary proportions, a person swamped in the musk of self-righteousness, died the people proclaimed him to be a saint.

Sometimes they didn’t even wait for him to die.

I hereby invoke that ancient, almost forgotten, tradition.

By the ;power vested in me by the Committee to Stamp Out Trousered Apes

I hereby proclaim you to be the

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

[MEDIA DIVISION]

Your performance at the Republican “debate” is now in the Guinness Book of Records as the ultimate example of “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”. [I f you need a translation send a SASE] It must have been a tough time for you in high school. If the cool guys got tired of complimenting each other they would kick your ass all over the cafeteria. Finally, as an adult, you can get some payback by poking the big dog in the eye and then, in typical modern American Liberal fashion, whine when he takes a big chunk out of your ass.

[As an aside, you seem to have inherited the mantle of “King of the One-Eyed 

Trouser Snakes” from that old horn dog, “Handsome Billy Clinton from Hot Springs”. It is a well-known fact that he would hump a snake if someone held its head while you seem to have found many rows to hoe in Congress. Send up a flare when you get to Barbara Mikulski. That would be the biggest pay day in the history of pay for view.]

Until President Obama, and may I quickly add that he is the best President we have, issues an executive order neutering the 8^th Amendment you are safe form flogging, and either bastinado or the strapado.

I am an old man with but one good leg – barely – left.

If you see me coming stand aside.

I will kick you in the ass so hard you will have to take your socks down to take a dump.

And yes, my contempt is personal.

Kevin Smith