Jim DeFede Channel 4 News

March 5, 2010

Jim DeFede
Channel 4 News
8900 NW18th Terrace
Doral, FL 33172

RE: A solution to the hunger problem in Haiti plus a serendipitously exponential decrease in our carbon footprint should you take it.

Mr. DeFede,

I saw you on the Channel 4 News at 5 talking about the current financial crisis at the Jackson Memorial Hospital system.

Several things are empirically self evident.

#1 – You are a HORSE’S ASS of Brobdanaglian proportions
#2 – Use an electric razor when you shave. Should you nick your neck the gravy bursting out of it would rival Mount Saint Helen’s or Krakatoa. The “kill zone” would be up to 1000 yards.
#3 – Should I need to lose weight I will run around you twice a day.
#4 – The Miami Dolphins have put a premium price on seats in the shade. You could block out the sun on at least 10 seats. Times are tough. You could pick up a few extra bucks for your Big Mac IVs.
#5 – If the public has a “right” to health care shouldn’t the altruistic members of the SEIU work for free?
#6 – You are the only man in Christendom who makes Buddha look like Gandhi.
#7 – “Any public policy that robs Peter to pay Paul will always have Paul’s support.” That is what fuels modern American Liberalism.
#8 – On the brighter side you have my permission to recommend that the accounts receivable department be waterboarded prior to keelhauling. Perhaps the Bank of Nunzio should take over collections. The Soprano Method has worked in the past.
#9 – If you ever go to Haiti watch out for this year’s version of the Ton-Ton Macoutes. They would put you into a vat of trans-fat free cooking suet so fast you wouldn’t know you were going to feed Port-a-Prince for a week.
#10 – “Lipo DeFede” is the next big theme park after you fill in for the killer whale in Orlando.
#11 – I do not want you to die “screaming from rectal cancer”. A bad hip, the heartbreak of psoriasis, and patchwork alopecia will do for your penance.



Kevin Smith