August 23, 2015

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Modern American Liberals never let you down – Some comments on your unbelievable column on Jimmy Carter in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

Big Stein,

There is a marvelous scene in “Pocketful of Miracles”, Frank Capra’s last movie.

The pool shark, finally allowed to ply his trade, has a side of his mouth comment as he approaches his mark, a true mullet. 

“The upturned neck awaits the ax.”

Let’s begin at the beginning because it’s a very good place to start.

Jimmy Carter was the worst President in the 20^th century. He lapped the field. If it had been a fight it would have been stopped in the 3^rd round. It should have been stopped at the weigh-in. The other 2 contenders, Wilson and Hoover, can sleep peacefully knowing that however bad they were, and they were very bad, Jimmy Carter was worse.

Let me amend that: Exponentially, infinitely, and horizon reaching worse. There was no silver medal.

Let me count the ways.

#1 – If Carter had been re-elected this country and my son would have been in a war at a time and place not of our choosing. Every time he met Brezhnev the press corps passed the hat so they could get a room. His style of speaking, one that Empress presumptive Hillary the First has adopted, always had a finger pointing hectoring style to it. He promised, and delivered, cod liver oil and steamed kale for desert. Later, when the Red Ruskies sent their Speznatz goon squads into Afghanistan he said he was, a la Captain Reynaud in Casablanca, “shocked, shocked”. He also said he was never more disappointed in his life. 

Maybe he spent too much time in submarines.

#2 – You say he “never deserved the scorn he received”. Alas, kind sir, he did. He really, really did. To his credit he got it the old fashioned way. He earned it.

You mention that he started the Departments of Education and Energy.

The real world, the place where “stones are hard and water is wet” settles bets not on effort or intentions, but on results. That is why there are no well-intended losing coaches in the NFL. The “proof of the pudding…” argument, if you will.  Please raise your hand if you think 5 decades of ham-handed suasion have helped Johnny read. Raise it and shake it vigorously. 

How many tons of coal, how many barrels of oil, how many millions of cubic feet of gas have the Department of Energy produced 5 decades into their glorious reign? Broward County is united in one thing in re energy. To Hell with the drowning polar bears, we want to aggressively air condition ourselves as cheaply and reliably as possible. 

If they cared about the plight of the baby seal eating polar bears or the perpetually disappearing ozone layer they would turn off their A/Cs and open the windows.

What has the Department of Energy done to forward this goal? 

It’s a photo finish between Education and Energy. History has shown that they are both plugs and should run their last race in the Alpo Stakes. They should then be Fed-Exed  to the glue factory.

#3 – Only someone approaching Stage 4 “Non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” [? – SASE] could snarl about “nameless, faceless cowards who sit at home in their underwear in front of their computer and spew bile all over the Internet message boards. There was none of that when Carter was President.”

Would it be considered dirty pool, the kind that the Koch Brothers love to finance, if I were to tell you that when Carter was President there were no computers for anyone to sit in front of? I suppose Pac-Man could be considered an early version but even if it were Vice President Alpha Gump had not yet invented the Internet. I could sit there all day, in my underwear or straight Commando, and nothing would have happened. Ask Little Stein to check it out for you.

I am sorry that you find it offensive if media people ask Sarah Palin or, worse, Ollie North for their opinions without asking the “Plains clod populist” for his. Maybe he was trying to round up all the Billy Beer cans, maybe he wants to renegotiate the deal he made for his farm with Dwayne Andreas and ADM, maybe he was being chased by Harvey, the killer rabbit. If Carter not being asked upsets you what does the media ignoring John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, and Anthony Weiner do to you?

  #4 – Speaking of Israel…Is the King David Hotel, the one where Carter did all his great work, on the good side of the Israeli apartheid line, the one that Carter discovered, or the bad side?

#5 – You say “Carter’s legacy should be shinier”. Earth to Big Stein>>>Flash Flash>>>Emess  truth time….You can’t shine shit. Plus, there is no clean end to pick it up either.

#6 – Here’s a public service announcement. 

There is a picture of Hillary Clinton walking of the beach in front of her $50,000 a week summer rental. It is obvious that she needs 4 or 5 gallons of industrial strength WD-40 to get her steatyagonous profle into the pant suits she so favors. Also, should she fail in her attempt to get back to the scene of her husband’s crimes she could make a good living as an antidote to ODing on Viagra. 

Can I put my pants back on?

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

PS – Before the pre-mortem elegies begin let me stipulate that he was very good at hanging dry wall. Another memorable moment in his otherwise less than lustrous career was when he was on the stage at the Democratic Convention in 1980. The best part of the evening was him trying to corner Senator Lard Kennedy to get a celebratory hug. His zig-zag run couldn’t have been better choreographed by Mel Brooks and the Marx Brothers. Lest we forget, he couldn’t get 4 helicopters in a row to work in Iran. Bad luck, you say? Napoleon expected his Generals to be brilliant. He demanded that they be lucky. This country was “lucky” with him twice. He never got to nominate anyone to the Supreme Court and he made it so easy for the Great Reagan to succeed him. What a putz!