August 30, 2015

Letter to the Editor

The Star Ledger

Star Ledger Plaza

Newark, NJ

RE: Watch your mouth before I wash it out – Some comments on your smarmy editorial about Carly Fiorina or you can take the kid out of Jersey but you can’t take Jersey out of the kid.

Sirs, 

Foul weather, weather doubtless caused by the evil, polar bear drowning Koch Brothers and 3 or 4 generations of Bushies, has delayed the arrival of my local newspapers, the Sun sentinel and the Miami Herald. Since it makes no sense to check my manatee traps until slack tide I sought electronic solace and comfort from the Star Ledger. By the by, didn’t it used to be known as the Newark Star Ledger? And, pray tell, is Star Ledger Plaza still protected by a moat, razor wire, kin of Cecil the Lion, and predator drones? Wazupwidat?

Full disclosure demands that I reveal that I was born and raised in Bayonne, AKA the Queen City of the East.

Your editorial on Carly Fiorina bespeaks a mind-set besotted by “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”. [If you don’t know what that means send a SASE.]

It is double-helixed into the warp and the woof of modern American Liberalism. I quickly add that the other traits, viz. tautology addiction, circular reasoning, continuously confusing correlation and causation, the preservation of the 25 century old error of Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc are all vital building blocks of a system that is personified by Midnight Basketball, Reset buttons and Red Lines, the Marine Corpse, the discovery of the long lost Austrian language, the discovery of 7 or was it 8 additional states, “If you like your doctor you can keep him”, and the Godot-like Summer of Recovery

But that’s not why I write.

You say that Carly Fiorina is considered “thoughtful” because “she speaks with the cadence of someone addressing a slow child”.

Wouldn’t that put her in the same class as former Vice President Alpha Gump? In fact, he could be classified as both the speaker and the listener, a rare double honor indeed. Since you have given the imprimatur to discussing people with learning disabilities I think we can make him the poster child for window lickers on the short yellow school bus.

Would that make her “clean and articulate” a la Vice President Curley Biden’s description of then Senator Obama? I call him Curley in honor of the smartest stooge. Please God, let this modern American Liberal paradigmatic template of jackassery, this Guinness Book ohmadahn, run. He is like Viagra.

I find you guilty of vile hate speech. While you beg forgiveness I sentence you to a weekend of listening to Hillary Clinton trying on a Southern Black dialect as she describes how she was “flat broke” before she started the Clinton Crime Family Foundation. God’s Holy Trousers but that wench should be flogged!

You say that coal “is dying a domestic death – not because it’s the dirtiest fuel but because natural gas is far cheaper”.

Listen up. I’ll type slowly.

Natural gas is cheaper because of….drum roll please….frackking.

[Full disclosure again demands that despite being Bayonne born and bred I fracked my first well in January, 1974. Further, I spent 10 years in the coal business and yes, I have worked underground.]

Silly you for not doing your homework but that is an occupational hazard endemic with being a modern American Liberal. You say – ex cathedra – that solar panels “require no water”.  Unless they manufacture themselves they require tsunamis to get them to where they don’t need water for their operation. Unless they appear on the roofs fully operational, springing from the forehead of an environmental charlatan, their thirst is unslakable. 

  The weather is changing; the trap bells are ringing. Unborn female pups make for the best sushi. For the faint of heart a nice ceviche can be had also. A decent California chardonnay complements it superbly well.

And yes, after 19 years here I still can’t get a good hard roll.

Kevin Smith

PS – It’s good to know that being a “slow child” does not prevent someone from becoming an editorial writer. Also, I am delighted to know that Newark is still a sanctuary city for people who can’t find their ass using both hands. If Ms Fiorina, crashing through the glass ceiling in a way that must make Hillary whose career was entirely predicated on her husband’s political success blush, is, as you say, a bad businesswoman, does that mean she worked for Solyndra?