June 22, 2016

Loretta Lynch – Attorney General

Department of Justice

950 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20530-0001

RE: Love & Compassion in the War against redacted terrorism

Ms. Lynch,

Love & Compassion in the war against I*L*M*C terrorism? By Crikey, that’s so God Damn dumb it makes my hair hurt.

Did Love & Compassion overturn the Dred Scott decision?

Some of the men of the Irish Brigade, those “wrapped in their faded coats of Blue” who are still at Gettysburg, might disagree. Since they died on July 2, 1863 they can’t. [I have an ulterior motive in mentioning this. Should the President issue an Executive Order authorizing reparations for descendants of slaves I claim a carry forward tax credit from them and then to offset any tax liability that may accrue to me as my “fair share” of the settlement.]

Imagine Love & Compassion stopping the 1^st Alabama at Little Round Top. Imagine Joshua Chamberlain using his secret weapon, a 19^th century version of James Taylor chortling “You’ve Got a Friend” at the blood thirsty rebels. By the by, “Imagine” is certainly the worst song ever written in the 20^th century. Also, the 19^th & the 18^th. It’s too soon to add the 21^st to its laurels.

The Naval Aviators of Torpedo Squadron 8 attacked the Japanese Navy at Midway with water balloons and a capella renditions of “Amazing Grace”, right?

Didn’t Malcolm X tell his disciples that the doctrine of “by any means necessary” was to be their marching orders? Did that include them singing “Kumbaya”?

Did you eat a lot of lead paint when you were a child?

Scratch that.

Among the many benefits of being a modern American Liberal is that up is down, hot is cold, black and white are interchangeable, “eclectic indignation” rules, “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” is the invisible coat of armor, and that you can say the most Homerically dumb things and expect that nobody will notice, right? After all, the “red line in the sand” and “you can keep your doctor” went past the American public at warp speed, right?

How about getting the good version of “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow”, the one with kids of Walmart serfs and indentured servants wailing because they are hungry.

How about bean bag bullets for SWAT teams?

How about giving the demonstrably feral inner city youth of Chicago a quart of ice cream a day? Ice cream makes everybody feel warm and fuzzy and about themselves. Maybe they’ll stop shooting each other. Just kidding.

How about you stop pissing on my back and telling me it’s rain?

Kevin Smith

PS – On an upbeat note, I am enclosing my plan for closing the pokey at Gitmo. Get some powerful PA systems installed. Play continuous loops of Hillary Clinton cackling. Play continuous loops of Janet Yellen reading anything. Play continuous loops of Hillary Clinton barking like a bitch in heat. Play them backwards a la Abbey Road. In less than 6 hours they redacted terrorists will circumcise themselves and become 105% Hasidic Jews. They may even start to eat pork so they can give it up to adhere to kashrut. Case closed.

Then you can move on to the really big problems of teenage bullying cum obesity and the never ending heartbreak of psoriasis, particularly since they disproportionately affect women and minorities, many of whom are single moms with children in need of a good Ritalin program who cannot avail themselves of the benefits of Midnight Basketball because of aging infrastructure and a lack of public transportation.

To show you that whatever my sins might be misogyny ain’t one of them. I hereby name you Boobette of the season.