June 6, 2016

Mayor Harry Dressler

7285 NW 88^th Street

Tamarac, FL 33321

Mr. Mayor,

“What a putz.”

“Humans are directly responsible for

 the extinction of thousands of species.”

The Sun Sentinel

6/5/16

You

“Morons. I am surrounded by morons.”

The middle quote is from you. It concerns the shooting of a 450 pound gorilla who was about to tear apart a 6 year old boy. He probably wouldn’t have meant to but, after all, he was a 450 pound gorilla who never learned to play well with others, particularly those with whom he had no genetic connection. He was just doing what 450 pound gorillas do, after all. He does that because, bottom line you jack-ass, he’s a friggin’ ape. “Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly…” Harambe’s dance card for Lego play dates with kids and chess lessons has many open dates. One of the reasons for this is because, drum roll please, he doesn’t know he exists. “Extra mental existence” is an elitist DWEM idea that posits the extraordinary claim that knowing that there is existence outside of yourself is what separates man, you know what I’m saying, from the apes.

You chastise your fellow man for “the extinction of thousands of species”. Does that mean that you would be opposed to the man-made extinction of Zika bearing mosquitoes? I know that your typical modern American Liberal head up your ass Jeremiad forbids any thoughts other than those approved by your illuminati. What will happen if women, women infected with Zika, begin to deliver healthy babies all of whom have thimble-sized heads? 4^th & 5^th trimester abortions will soar but only if covered by Obamacare.

You give new meaning to the term Hobson’s Choice.

But wait. There’s more. You are like herpes, an affliction giving a new definition to the term “wretched excess”.

“Zoos for human entertainment should be abolished.”

You

I suggest one exception.

Why not jump-start the never quite arriving, Waiting for Godot Summer of Recovery, and build a zoo?

Let’s call it the Tamarac Zoo for Horses’ Asses.

Not only would you be its principal attraction but you would be its only attraction. An enclosure to include the imbecilic Broward County Board of Education and the equally embarrassing Broward County Commission would have to wait for the voters approving a bond issue.

My grandfather, the legendary Jack Smith, always marveled at the simple, observable, undeniable fact that there were more horses’ asses than there were horses’ heads. That ratio should always be 50/50. Damn “The Godfather” for messing up the perfect ratio!

One last movie reference.

“I made it, Ma. Top of the world!”

       Guinness is preparing a new edition. It will be named the Dressler Edition.

      There will be no written definitions in the chapter on boobs and ohmadahns.

Just your picture.

Kevin Smith

PS – What if an 18 foot python, a 14 foot gator, a pissed off black bear sow, and a Florida panther decide to see who rules the roost in front of City Hall? Will the police use hostage negotiators or, worse case scenario, rubber bullets and tranquilizer darts to show our solidarity with endangered predators? In this scenario the Florida panther, knowing that he is endangered, hoofs it back to the swamp. 

Harry! Extra credit. How do you spell TV? What color is an orange? Also, I say you couldn’t find your ass using both hands. Care to prove me wrong?