May 1, 2018 Rosemary O’Hara – Editorial Page Editor

May 1, 2018

Rosemary O’Hara – Editorial Page Editor

The Sun Sentinel

500 E Broward Blvd

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33394

RE: The Sun Sentinel & The Onion – Separated at birth? Sunday’s Page One, in addition to being a primer on how modern American Liberal ink stained wretches and wenches share their kultursmog with the untermenschen, may need a special counsel – Is Walter Duranty accepting new assignments? – to prove or disprove collusion.

Ms. O’Hara,

OK. OK. It wasn’t as good as a serendipitous pre-dawn poke but it is worth a note to the Big Boss Lady.

I had the Sun Sentinel in my gas guzzling hands after a quick drive in my polar bear drowning, ozone layer destroying SUV just before 6:00AM. Let me add quickly that if Gaia shows up unannounced I will be hotfooting it to a sanctuary city.

Today’s Page One gave me a 4 second interval that allowed me to yelp “Jeezus Haitch Keerist! Did the Onion take over the Sentinel?”

“In Boca, a Chance to Roll Back the Height Rules”

The Sentinel

Page One

4/29/18

I thought Boca Raton had banned dwarfs, midgets, and/or vertically challenged dudes and dudettes. It goes without saying that if they are here undocumented they are most welcome. It’s the rat bastard native-born Panama jockey wanabees that are verboten.

Alas, I was wrong. It was about building heights.

Since I am always bound and determined not to be cliché-ridden, I must tell you that it is a well-known fact that teenagers in Newport Beach, California must present themselves to the Chief of Police on their 16^th birthdays. He gives them a slice of gluten free, quinoa and kale, non-GMO cake and if he thinks they are ugly he shoots them in the name of cultural diversity. BOOM BOOM [How often do you get to define onomatopoeia the old-fashioned way?] One in each ear. Dead. On the spot. If you have not been genetically modified you go to the all organic municipal compost heap. If you were exposed to DDT or Phisohex you go to the Terminator Memorial Slag Heap, the one nicknamed Gehenna.

But wait, There’s more. Why stop at one?

“Psych Calls Jumped After Shooting”

The Sun Sentinel

Page One

4/29/18

I thought that the story would have demanded to know why a lot of callers were put on hold. Wrong again but WOW, it’s like saying “Umbrella Sales Jump After Rain”, right?

But wait, There’s still more. A cornucopia of addle-brained, mush-laden headlines leads us to

‘For Students, an ‘Awakening’ Like No Other”

The Sun Sentinel

Page One

4/29/18

[Full disclosure requires me to tell you that I worked for Arnold Bernhardt for 3 years. His last Broadway production was David Mamet’s “Glengarry, Glen Ross”.] 

I am still conflicted about Antigone. Lately, I ‘ve been leaning to the Creon side of the brouhaha. And since I know why Oedipus went to Colonnus and which of Lear’s daughters was the good one I think I’ll wait before seeing “Spring Awakening”. After all, it “lays out the shame, anger, confusion and restless spasms - Aren’t all spasms “restless”? – affiliated with teenage sexuality in 19^th century Germany”. 

I’ll wait for the sequel. That’s the one that says rejected lederhosen-clad Lotharios led to Wagner who led to Bismarck who led to the Kaiser who led to Hitler – with approving nods to Margaret Sanger and Ambassador Kennedy – who led to the Koch Brothers who led to Trump, AKA il magnifico. 

Where can I send my check to put Reagan and Trump on Mount Rushmore? The Onion? Quien sabe?

Can there be too much of a good, I daresay great, thing?

Your Page 18A inside headline screams NO! NO!

“Effort to Save Wolves is Failing, review finds
The Sun Sentinel

Page 18A

4/29/18

I lived in West Orange, New Jersey before I was exiled to Florida. There was a 3500-acre nature preserve that was overrun by deer, or, in the language of the locals, rats with horns. Deer have 2 purposes in life: perpetual plugging and eternal eating. Come to think of it, that’s what all wild animals do with no exceptions, None. I, always known for my devotion to nature, wanted a natural, organic solution. Bring in the wolves!

That idea, like my idea to make manatee sausage as high protein food for the homeless when I got here, never caught on.

Your article says that we are “down to 2,000 Bengal tigers and 1,500 giant pandas”. And to think that all this happened before Trump got in. However, the article says “Republicans in Congress are waging an effort to alter the way the Endangered Species Act that would make protecting plants and animal more difficult”. To which I say Amen, Brother. Man is the only truly endangered species on the planet. 99.9999% of the species since the Steady State was usurped by the Big Bang are gone, like forever, like extinct. 2,000,000 sub-Saharan Black babies die each year from malaria. They died, they die, they will die because rich White people stopped the production of DDT, the only thing that has or can destroy malaria. If it’s time for the wolves to go we must remember the standing order issued to all Star Fleet Commanders. “Do not interfere with the life process”.

Abortion, anyone?

Kevin Smith

PS – You may wish to read the Miami Herald on the SNAFU/FUBAR Douglas shooting. Send a SASE for a translation. Even though modern American Liberals base everything on expectations there comes a time - Super Bowls, carrier landings, biopsy readings, for instance - when results count. Because fish stink from the head Sheriff Israel must go.