Carl Hiaasen, The Miami Herald

January 18, 2009

Carl Hiaasen
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: What a column! Forget a “tingle” up your leg. President Bambi has given you an authentic blue-veiner. A petard so stiff you could hang a bucket of water from it while a randy cat was trying, I hope unsuccessfully, to scratch it. No wonder the McClatchy lads raised the price of the Herald. What’s coming next week? Scratch and sniff? Box lunch at the Y? Lessons on riding Saint George? Does the Herald permit smoking in the outer labia? A somewhat different take on your paean to a Cook County Pol who was at the right corner when the right bus came along and had the great good sense to get on same otherwise maybe his kids’ tuition at private school would cause his wife to be really pissed off at this country.

Mr. Hiaasen,

I have a sense that tumescence and priaprism guided your hand in writing today’s column. Being experienced in these things I read your column back to front. Star with the climax, so to speak.

“…who once thought we knew better…”

You’re right. You should have known better.

Backwards I went to find the pearls you would have strewn. [At least I didn’t say “it was a dark and stormy night”]

Was the economy “purring” in 2000? I know that Darth Cheney was all powerful but even he could not have made the market tank in March, 2000, remember? Where did all those do.com companies go? Did Rumsfeld do them in?

You say the budget was in “surplus”. The first thing that tells me is that you have zero – zip – nada – knowledge of the Federal budgetary process. Any budget that treats aircraft carriers and “Midnight Basketball” the same can never be in balance. Any budget that has no capital items can never be in balance. I would tell you to ask the green eye shade guys at the Herald but they seem to be forming a circular firing squad.

If I grant – subjunctively, mind you – the presence of a budget surplus during the glorious years can someone tell me why the national debt, a debt that Hamilton said could be a national blessing, never, ever went down by as much as a one cent? My uncle Adam said that “running the affairs of a nation can scarce be different than running the affairs of a household”. When surpluses happen in households debt gets paid down and lockboxes become full. Why didn’t this happen in 1998, 1999, and 2000?

As a card carrying modern American Liberal you subscribe to the notion that facts can never interfere either with an argument or a belief.

So I read your wish list backwards hoping it would make some sense. It being Sunday I will have an extra day of rest before The Chosen One stands the Herculean tasks on their respective asses.

Actually, you gave him 7 tasks so the official day of rest is Monday.

[After he completes his tasks do you think he could do something about les merdes de Quebec?]

The original Doctor J, the great Samuel Johnson gave us the prescription of the caring and feeding of modern American Liberals. Although it was said in a different context his words, “the triumph of hope over experience”, are apropos.

You mention the shootings of John Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and Robert Kennedy by saying that “your country can be a mighty dangerous place for leaders who dare to speak out for change”.

I thought the shooting of any leader in a Republic would be a cause for alarm regardless of the change being spoken for. I think you feel differently. If you didn’t you would have mentioned Governor Wallace and President Reagan.

I am reminded of a story about Charles Parnell.

He was standing unopposed for reelection. Still, as a consummate pol – like Kendrick Meek after his mother willed him her Congressional seat without dying – he campaigned hard.

He came upon a group of workers cracking rock in an attempt to make the road smoother and straighter – Begorrah and to think we thought that our generation invented the term “infrastructure”! – who, after recognizing him, were beside themselves with joy. One in particular was unable to control himself. He said Parnell would make the salmon bigger and the bitter better.

Finally, in fear of the man becoming apoplectic with the malady of rising expectations, Parnell calmed him thus:


“Next week I’ll be returned to Parliament and the next day
You’ll be cracking rocks.




“The triumph of hope over experience” is made manifest by your last sentence.

“But it’s not a bad feeling.”

It’s a “short road to chaos” when supposedly rational adults confuse feelings with ideas.

Isn’t that what a lot of Germans said in the mid30s?







PS – After I finished the above I read that the Attorney General designate Eric Holder, he of the heavy thumb on the pardon scale when it comes to tax cheat fugitives and bomb throwing terrorists, said he approved of the FBI searching library and bookstore records to see who was reading what. Will you classify that as a “chilling effect” or a “slippery slope”? If you say it’s “different” when modern American Liberals do it I’ll be shocked, shocked. You may want to Google “eclectic indignation” for a diversion.