Vice President Joey Biden

January 22, 2009

Vice President Joey Biden
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20500

RE: A sad tale to report: The “uncreation” of one very good job.

Dear VEEP Curley,

I know you’re asking – pleased don’t scratch your head lest the inorganic Chia Pet plugs you had Gorilla Glued and Moly Bolted on eject themselves and create a HAZ-MAT condition in the White House – why am I calling you Curley

Think of the 3 Stooges.

Who was the smartest one?

Bingo! Curley. And you got it on your first try! Good on you.

Anyway, the job you have “uncreated” is mine. I am in charge of very prestigious Awards Committee. Every week I have to find the public figure worthy enough to wear the crown

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

The other Awards, POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH and SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR, are a bit beyond your reach. To be a POMPOUS FART you have know that you are pompous and, since you lack the wit to be a SMARMY BASTARD it seems that you are locked into the first level of awards. My father’s father, Jack Smith, went to his grave trying to figure out why there were more horses’ asses than there were horses’ heads. He thought that the number should always be in balance. He died long before The Godfather.

The good news is that I hereby name you

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
in perpetuity – that means forever

Through skill and cunning I found out that you were always a horse’s ass. Several of you classmates at Archmere Academy – Brother Auks, if you will – told me that your Horse’s Ass tendencies began to show themselves in the fall of 1957.

Several of your football teammates called you a “cheesedick”. I too played football at a Catholic high school but it is a term – “cheesedick” – with which I am not familiar. I imagine it is some kind of Norbertine password known only to a select few.


Naturally my sources will remain confidential. President Bambi can sign all the Executive Orders he wants to. Thank God you’ve stopped waterboarding! I’ll never give them up. If pressed I will use the Geithner defense. It was a classic. “I forgot.”

Several of your classmates told me that while it was conduct very unsacerdotal every time he heard your name Father Diny shook his head and said, “What a putz!”

I will share something else with you. Since you are genetically incapable of keeping your mouth shut I expect you to babble about it instantly. Tell your wife – You’re right. She is a babe. – that I am going t make Congressman Barney Frank

SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR
IN PERPETUITY – IT STILL MEANS FOREVER

Barney is from Bayonne. He knows that all politics is local. Since he took a successful run at Father Drinan’s seat he takes care of the locals first. This morning’s Wall Street Journal tells of his effort to help a bank in his district. I had to get all the way to the end before it was revealed that it was a minority owned bank, the only minority owned bank in Massachusetts. He said it would have been a “social tragedy” if it had failed. Particularly, says he, since “the bank’s problems were caused by the Federal Government”. That it got in trouble on Barney’s watch – he ran the Committee that had oversight on Fanny and Freddy – is sent down the memory hole.

Since he has already admitted that he spent the better part of the last decade canoodling down the Hershey Highway with an internal [sic] auditor from Fanny Mae God knows what he was doing with the boys at OneUnited. He said he spoke to Federal regulators whose names he has forgotten about “giving them a Federal injection”. It is not known where he would personally supervise this “injection”, it being something with which he has working knowledge. Also, the story did not make clear whether it was to be under the TARP or on top of same.

Spread the story; save me some stamps.

I’ll be in touch with you from time to time to highlight your coming achievements. Who knows how many they will be? I may have to hire someone just to keep track of your rhetorical incontinence. Meanwhile, revel in the fact that you are the first member of Team Obama to be cited. I can tell you that Carole Browner will soon be wearing laurels. You toil in a target rich environment. As a patriot it is the least I can do.