Carl Hiaasen, The Miami Herald

March 29, 2009

Carl Hiaasen
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: Horse’s Ass? You? Yeah

Mr. Hiaasen,

As founder, CEO, and sole shareholder of the world famous “TU QUOQUE” Society I chuckled at your column setting out with geometric precision why taxes should be higher. As you say, “the math is pretty basic”. You buttress your argument by saying that Warren Buffet wants to pay more in taxes. Finally, and as an overwhelming codicil to your argument, you tell us that John Boehner [R – Ohio] is, in his own words, “cozy with lobbyists”.

That would convince most rational adults that it is time to take the medicine, time to be as Curley Biden says, “patriotic”, and pay more taxes. Incidentally, I call him “Curley” in homage to Curley, the smartest Stooge. Speaking of patriots and taxes you may want to find out what Judge Learned B. Hand said about those two subjects.

One of the tenets of modern American Liberalism is that results are ignored. What counts is the nobility of the intention. Empirical evidence, the evidence of your own eyes, cannot overcome the thumb on the scale of sensitive and caring politicians whose public policies are based on truths revealed to true believers in the Church of Loondom.

You say, without a hint or irony and/or sarcasm, that

“…if government is serious about re-booting the economy,
reforming health care and improving public education
everybody’s going to have to pay for it.”

I hate to be the turd in the punch bowl but since Lyndon Johnson declared War on Poverty, the main weapon of which was Homeric amounts of money and brobdanaglian amounts of Balloon Juice, can anyone tell me where that money has gone. Compared to that, the war in Iraq cost about as much as the fireworks display on the Fourth of July.

Your assault on Logic lets you make John Boehner and his lobbyist pals the final reason for higher taxes. Pray tell but what do you make of the coziness between AIG and Senator Obama [D-Illinois] and Senator Dodd [D-CT}?

They split almost $205,000 in contributions from AIG in 2006.






With Dodd it is simply a matter of the acorn not falling far from the tree. His father was also ethically challenged and was censured by the Senate for having his hand in the cookie jar. The one good thing that can be said about Sleaze Ball Dodd is that there is no record of him ever joining the KuKluxKlan.

With Obama it may be different.

He is a Chicago pol reared the culture of cash stuffed white envelopes. Just because he moved to DC doesn’t undo that tradition. Has Governor Blago been beamed up to the Starship Enterprise for transport to one of Jupiter’s lesser moons so as not to embarrass President Bambi?

Speaking of foul mouthed little shits, I think the reason why Rahm Emanuel [D-Ill] will not be teaching kindergarten is because his time at Freddy Mac was too short. It took him 15 months to make $1,200,000 there. Now that he has his stash hidden where it would take a metal detector to find it he wants to raise everybody else’s taxes.

How about Barney Frank [D-Ma]? For 10 years he was doing the Hershey Highway Two Step with a fellow rump wrangler from Fanny Mae. [Fanny & Freddie? Now I know the difference! What does Sallie Mae do?] In the summer of 2008 he was telling us that widows and orphans should be at the front of the line to lend their money to Fanny, Freddie, and Sally, remember? Is the fucking we’re getting worth the fucking he got?

And your solution is to raise taxes.

“I’ll retire to Bedlam.”

Thus, for making non-sequiturs the basis of public policy and for raising “eclectic indignation” to an art form, I hereby name you

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

There is a big test coming up.

In May the price of a first class stamp is going up by 2 cents.

Do you expect service to improve?

If you say yes you belong in one of your novels as the catcher on the javelin team

PS – Have you ever sent more money to the IRS than you owed in taxes? If not, why not?
What are the dues for membership in “The triumph of hope over experience” marching society? You are President, aren’t you?
Finally, your home work assignment for this week is to find out how many “shovel ready” projects were “shovel ready”. Can you tell me where the first one is?