M.J. Stephey, Time Magazine

March 9, 2009

M.J. Stephey
Time Magazine
Rockefeller Center
New York, New York 10020-1393

RE: A Brief History of Abstinence – The issue dated March 2, 2009 about which “I shall speak daggers to you, but use none”.

Mr. Stephey,

I was torn, briefly, about which award to give you. As the owner, in fee simple, of three of the most coveted awards in Christendom I am oft-times racked with indecision about who gets what. The awards, listed below, are given to public figures who are worthy of recognition. They are

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH
SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

I re-read your quote on abstinence.

1601 – William Shakespeare’s Hamlet condemns Ophelia to a life of celibacy
“Get thee to a nunnery!”

I hereby name thee HORES’S ASS OF THE WEEK with all the honors appurtenant thereto.

It is empirically self evident that you lack the wit to be a “SMARMY BASTARD”. And, since this is the first time I have ever read anything by you, you haven’t entered my free fire zone enough to be considered a “POMPOUS FART”. It is now 22 years since I purchased either of the ass-wipe weekly magazines. A wise decision. A magazine whose pages were once graced by Whittaker Chambers is now reduced to ohmadauns and tomnoddies assaulting word processors!

“Get thee to a nunnery”, in the time and context of Hamlet’s dumping of Ophelia, was not an invitation to a life of celibacy. It was rather the opposite. “Nunnery” was shorthand for whore house.

The sound I am straining to hear is Henry Luce spinning in his grave. Didn’t he invent the term “fact checking”?

I am undecided if you are a moron or a twit. One thing for certain, you are a

“HORSE’S ASS”

I was going to end this with “The rest is silence” but I want you to save me a stamp.

Could you tell Gilbert Cruz, the book reviewer of “A Slobbering Love Affair” by Bernard Goldberg, the man who shared your page, that he is not quite as smart a smart ass as he thinks he is? Tell him to insert Step 3. Step 3 would not be needed if the mainstream media were not filled with people whose only literary skill is that they are blivit-stuffed with “non-malodorous fecal matter”. This is a trait particularly common to modern American Liberals who confuse feelings with ideas.

The good thing to come from this is that it will be 22 more years before I read Time Magazine again. There is one condition. You will have to pay me. A lot.