Carl Hiassen The Miami Herald

November 1, 2009

Carl Hiassen
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: When I’m right I write – Some comments on your never ending attempts to slay the dreaded Palin Dragon [Plain Drome? Palin Drudge? Palin Drone? Palin Tologist?]

Mr. Hiaasen,

#1 – It was Trollope who set the record for writing quickly. He had a full time job mapping out mail routes. He wrote at least 30 pages a day back when his ink cartridge was called an ink well.

#2 – ‘”Mexican” is not a language’ is a particularly egregious example of modern American Liberal “cultural arrogance”. Of course it’s a language. For example, Manual Labor is a Mexican worker. You can find an up to date Mexican/English dictionary right next to the surprise best selling Austrian/English dictionary in better book stores.

#3 – Speaking of ghost writers it’s too bad that Arthur Schlesinger is still dead and that Bill Ayers is trying to blow up Rush Limbaugh. Both are crackerjacks at aiding and abetting plagiarism. Ayers, in particular, gives new meaning to solipsism.

#4 – Speaking of Vice Presidential candidates the paradigmatic template for dumb as a box of hammers, can’t pour piss out of a boot, I keep forgetting what to do with my thumbs, and I finally learned that it’s yellow in front and brown in back when I put my knickers on was Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., AKA Alpha Gump. He couldn’t write a book if wife Thumper was holding a gun to his head. He celebrated his 16th birthday by not getting lost on a ladder but then the stupid bastard panicked when he forgot whether he was going up or coming down.

By God, records are made to be broken!

Joe Biden, AKA “Curly” in honor of the smartest Stooge, has raised the bar so high that only a flat line 3 day old cadaver could compete.

This is a guy who thinks syntax is synonymous with anthrax only he keeps forgetting what synonyms are.

Dumb and dumber.

#5 – I have to go now. Congressman Kendrick Meek, having finally mastered the alphabet, was going to recite it from the roof of his mom’s Escalade. Now that the Feds have seized it as a crime scene he’s at a loss.

#6 - Keep an eye on Broward County Mayor Stacy Ritter and Broward County Commissioner Kristin Jacobs. Dipsy, my favorite Tele-Tubby, is rumored to be the ghost writer of choice. Speaking of Stephen King when their books come out they will have a picture of Jack Nicholson on the cover and on every page. Move over Walter Duranty. I smell Pulitzer.


Your favorite “beet faced drooler”,

Kevin Smith