Dana Milbank The Washington Post

February 24, 2011

Dana Milbank
The Washington Post
1150 15th St NW
Washington, DC 20071

RE: Backsides, keisters, Mrs. Obama, the return from an undisclosed secret location of the sorely missed “vast Right-Wing conspiracy”, and the politics of which that are artfully explained by you in an opinion piece in today’s Miami Herald.

Mr. Millbank,

Since you feel free to use Rush Limbaugh as an example of how not to make a living as a sculptor’s live model – I would have chosen the still dead Senator, Lard Kennedy [D-MA]. If he were to be dug up today he would still have more chins than a Chinese phone book. Do ad hominem arguments apply if the whackee is dead? – I feel compelled to point out that Mrs. Obama will have a post White House career as a Spandex spokeswoman. She could team up with Duct tape and industrial strength KY Jelly in a “6 Weeks to Size 16 bowling shorts” – “You can do it! I almost did!” TV campaign. But wait. There’s more. “If your shadow weighs more than a 12 volt battery, if you have to use a wheel barrow to answer nature’s call, if you fight Bowser for the last biscuit, call now for my 600 calorie baby back rib enema”. S&H extra.

I must tell you, as an aging, calorically challenged curmudgeon, that the only things that have 600 calories in any bar-b-q place I’ve ever been to are the empty ice tea glasses and the used napkins. Scratch that. If you smell a used napkin in a Texas joint it’s worth 600 calories. Being on the windward side of any decent joint sends the good and the bad cholesterol into a Texas Death Match worthy of HBO.

Lo-fat bar-b-q is like lo-fat crème brulee or lo-fat chocolate profiteroles. It is to be rejected out of hand. I’ve seen saloon fights over less. Is Pommery’s coming out with a diet magnum? Lo-cal Talbot? Sodium free Opus One? I am surrounded by morons.

[As an aside, and I add that it is truly a serendipitous stop on my quest to “know” things, you mention “organic Tuscan kale”. Thank God you didn’t mention the Southern version. We both know that’s how Mussolini made his bones. My question is simple. Where can I get some “inorganic Tuscan kale”? I’ll settle for “inorganic Florida kale”. If possible I would like the long strand polymer kind. Please don’t send me to Martha Steward’s website. I can’t associate with ex-cons.]

You say “the food criticism is an extension of politics”.

Since her husband is an internationally acclaimed Constitutional scholar, except for Article 1, Section 8, Part 11, perhaps he can point out which of the Federalist Papers, assuming he’s heard of them, mentions food advice.

I don’t know if Mrs. Obama ice skates. If she does and should she fall it would register as a miniature Haiti on the closest Richter scale. There’s a rumor that the glacier that calved in New Zealand was a result of Mrs. Obama going ass over tea kettle either as she was stepping out of the shower in Vail or wrestling Secret Service agents for the last whole brisket from room service. As I say, a rumor. The world knows more about what’s going on in Libya than it does about her vacation.

Speaking of Mrs. Obama and the Chicago Way Rahm Emanuel, her husband’s DC consiligiere, was just elected as the Mayor of Chicago. I remember the iron discipline the press corps showed when Rahm’s replacement, William Daley, of the Cook County Daleys, got off the plane in Florida just after the 2000 election, and said, “The recount starts now”. The iron discipline I refer to was an automatic shutting of sphincters that prevented terminal enuresis in the fawning press corps.

Was there ever a better description of “brass balls” than that? Perhaps Handsome Billy from Hot Springs coming back from church with bible in hand getting a hummer from Monica while his wife and daughter were upstairs waiting for him to come for lunch but at least that was inside. It is not known if he held on the bible.

There’s no sense in not celebrating the good old days, is there? Nobody’s getting any younger, right? Jeezus Haitch Keerist but I miss them.

You say that “the food criticism is an extension of politics”.

To Hell with all that nonsense about birth certificate or his buddy Qadafi.

How did Mrs. Obama wind up with an ass that’s an ax handle and a half wide?

She did it the old fashioned way.

She earned it.

Pass the gravy.




Kevin Smith