Thoughts on Nancy Pelosi

January 28, 2011

It used to be good to be the Queen

“Are you serious? Are you serious?”

She was 7 League Boots past a steroid fueled Banshee as she bellowed into the intercom. She was using her patented Congressional opening line, a line that was used whenever a racist, homophobic, snake handling, gun nut rat Republican bastard asked her about something called the “enumerated powers’ part of the Constitution. She said she didn’t care if this would be the second emergency landing on her way back to the Elysian Fields of San Francisco.

“I know we stopped at St. Louis for ice.” She had no choice; she had guests. Why should they suffer because a half-assed Air Force wingwiper had gone past SNAFU and into FUBAR territory by forgetting to plug in the ice machine? Somebody would be flogged for that.

This was “personal”, she told the pilot. The pilot, a double crossgendered one time woman of color who was a single mom, responding to both Major and Majorette thereby making “cognitive dissonance” something to be covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act, also was told by the Lucrezia wanabee in the back not to forget who got her/him/her/it the Goddamn job.

“Stop at Denver. My Botoxed brow just dropped. My nose is where my neck was this morning. My mouth is by my sternum. If this keeps up I’ll have to sit down to pee. It’s like riding a horse, isn’t it? You never forget, right? Do I sit side saddle?”

San Fran Nan, the peoples’ pal, the voice of America’s “wretched of the earth”, the implacable foe of privilege, of pomp, averaged a trip every 7 days from Washington to her estates by the Bay. Forget about the Friendly Skies. No fretting over baggage fees. Don’t worry about TSA dudes grabbing anybody’s Yoo-Hah. Skip the crap about seat belts. Those planes you see on either side of the plane are F-15s. Welcome to Air Pelosi!
Compliments of the United States Air Force.

She traveled well. No MREs for her. No sandwiches from the Stop & Shop. No microwaved mac and cheese for her. “The wish of the Princess has the force of law” was never truer then when her request for dark chocolate covered strawberries was filled while her plane was in the air. Only 2 commandos were lost during the transfer. The after action report thought it was s small price to pay to keep her happy. Oprah’s decorator did the interior with the tab being picked up as a “shovel ready” out reach program.




She had enough whiskey on her pastel colored C5-A to drown a platoon of Charley Sheens. All top shelf save for the E&J Brandy. [I think her husband Benito has a second mortgage on the operation.]

Live entertainment featuring the Village People, the Dance Theater of Harlem. Aida, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the College of Cardinals, the Great Wall of China, Old Faithful, Stonehenge, and the entire cast of “West Wing” tap dancing to “Don’t Stop Thinking about Tomorrow”, was the norm.

“Angels in America”, because of its length, required the pilot to circle Gitmo 4 times just above stall speed before he headed west. The costs for it and “The Vagina Monologues” matinees were picked up by the NEA and the NEH.

Barbecue, both beef and pork with vegan on request. Tofu, mung, and ca-ca had to be requested pre-flight. Live salmon with onboard bears chasing them. Wor shiu op. Nick’s Bayonne Italian Ice served by Nick of Bayonne with Big Red providing running commentary. Zabaglione and tiramisu for the more formal Eyeties on the plane.

Her husband, Benito the Beneficent, a man whose ass was meant to be wrapped in purple, would present himself so the guests could touch his robe. Nothing has been confirmed but 2 sets of crutches, one oxygen tank, and one wheel chair are still unclaimed in the baggage area.

God damn that election!

She’s come a long way from the days of stuffed white envelopes in the parking lot at the Baltimore City Hall.

The people have spoken.

“Those rotten rat bastards.”

KS