Steven L. Goldstein The Sun-Sentinel

February 20, 2011

Steven L. Goldstein
The Sun-Sentinel
200 E. Las Olas Blvd.
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: “You’ve been had” – Why I’ll never find out what those wich, wascally, Wepublicans are going to do to us today.

My dear Professor,

Back in my other life, I testified in a Federal Courthouse. Mindful of the dictum laid down by Thomas More that “a man on oath holds his soul in his hands as if it were water” and that “he opens his hands at this own peril” I testified honestly. [As an aside, the difference between lying and perjury and not knowing it was what made Big Bill Clinton, as George Will said, “Not the worst President but the worst man ever to be President”]

A Federal Judge agreed with me when I said that I had no need to read a particular letter because it began with “As you know”. Since I already knew it there was no need to go further. The Government objected. The judge said to move on.

Thus, when your column about Governor Scott proclaiming him as the new point man of the axis of evil began with “You’ve been had”, I saw no need to continue.

Quien sabe?

Maybe he encouraged teenage obesity. Maybe he banned les merdes du Quebec form crossing the Georgia/Florida line. Maybe he wants to know why, despite all that money, Johnny still can’t read. Maybe he thinks that nesting turtles should be put into the soup pot. Maybe he thinks the Everglades is a swamp and should be drained.

Like I said, Quien sabe.

I know you’ll tell me.

Speaking of “You’ve been had”…

In 1916, in 1940, and in 1964 Democratic candidates for President said that they “would never send American boys to fight in foreign wars”.

Would “You’ve been had” apply here? If not, why not?

Fast forward to Lord Barack the Beneficent, and Blessed be his Name, issued his first executive order in the White House proclaiming the closing of America’s first Caribbean adult sleep away camp, AKA “GITMO”. It is now one year and one month past the drop dead date pronounced ex cathedra in the Oval Office. Would “You’ve been had” apply there? If not, why not? Leon Panetta, his CIA director, said that if Americans were to capture Osama bin Laden, the head filthy WOG who lives to kill, he would be sent to – drum roll, please – GITMO.

Is that what you mean by being “had”?

I’ve been told by confidential sources, sources who insisted on anonymity, that Governor Scott is planning to round up all the manatees and put them into the business end of the world’s largest Cuisinart. After achieving several laudable environmental goals, among them the end to mammalian methane eructations, said flatulence contributing mightily to Global Warming and drowning polar bears, he is gong to have a hell of a lot of sausage with which to feed the homeless, the peripatetic victims of life’s cruel circumstances. If that isn’t a win/win I don’t know what is.

I am told that one of the reasons he is opposed to ObamaCare is that Medicare recipients will have to wrestle pythons and anacondas, the current residents of the Big Swamp West of Sawgrass Mall, or be able to take their drugs only on an odd/even day basis, like the good old days of gas rationing during the glorious reign of Jimmy Carter. I miss him, don’t you?

Although you don’t believe in evil – and how could a card carrying modern American Liberal think otherwise – you know how rotten Republicans can be. I count on you to tell me how bad it will be. If I’ve already been “had” why read on?





Kevin Smith