Jay Carney – Head Shill and Flack Catcher

September 16, 2012
Jay Carney – Head Shill and Flack Catcher
The White House
Washington, DC

RE: At least it’s indoor work and there’s no heavy lifting

Mr. Carney,

You have a tough enough job what with square pegs and round holes, 4 sided triangles, making 33 ounces fit comfortably in a quart bottle, saying that not only is the emperor dressed but that he looks like Cary Grant [Did I just date myself?] and telling adults who want to, desperately want to, believe it when you say that Santa Claus is really, really real and that if we sit and hold hands and hum “Kumbaya” or “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow” that we can overcome our differences – all of which come from the evil Bushes, pater et fils, Halliburton, the Koch Brothers, and conspicuous consumers all of whom who wish to continue consuming conspicuously on the poor guy’s dime even though by definition he doesn’t have a dime – and finally find that most elusive of targets, the Holy Grail, for modern American Liberals, the horizon of rising expectations that only a public policy based on “Midnight Basketball” can lead us through the desert to the Promised Land.

But then you have to go and muck it up by saying that all the woes of the past 4 days have been caused by a “video, a film that we have found to be reprehensible and disgusting”.

Sez who?

Bowsley Crowther? Pauline Kael? Rex Reed? Siskel & Ebert? J. Allan Smithee? Absolutely. You? Never.

I think “It’s A Wonderful World” is a terrible movie. I hope every Christmas that when George Bailey jumps off the bridge he is caught in midair by the occupying trolls and torn to pieces. I hope that when he falls in the pool they close it up and he is still there. Beat the stupid bastard to death and be done with it.

I think the people who made “Dead Poets Society” should be flogged. Repeatedly.

The only people who paid to see Merchant & Ivory movies were –A- Merchant & Ivory, -B- blood relatives of Merchant & Ivory and –B- people who go to bullfights to see the bull win or if there are no bullfights available to the closest NASCAR event hoping to see a 186 MPH flip into oncoming traffic. After you’ve seen the dog walk on its hind legs what difference does it make how well Bowser does it.

The French think that Jerry Lewis is the 20th century genius of film. Yet one more reason to ban Gorgonzola. Why couldn’t D-Day have been in Holland or Lithuania?

Sam Peckinpah was regularly censored, beaten up, short changed, and made miserable by film people.

I don’t give a Damn if the particular video is offensive to Muslims or reprehensible to your tastes. Your job is to tell us when this year’s Summer of Recovery is going to kick in. It has a week to go this year. [I must tell you that the mendacious Mandarin moneylenders are getting just a bit pissed off]

I think “Bambi” and “ET” were profoundly flawed films. Both were anti-rational and anti-intellectual. They were well made films that sucked.

As long as I have your attention why haven’t “Song of the South” and “Boys in the Band” been on regular TV? If I see “The Sting” anymore I’ll be able to play all the parts, including the hooker not named Hooker.

Then again I am not standing in front of a worldwide audience and telling them to believe me and not their lying eyes.

Kevin Smith