September 21, 2012

Jacqueline Charles & Curtis Morgan
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza Miami,
FL 33132-1693

RE: Will no one rid me of those meddlesome skinks? – Some comments on your Page 1 article on whether we want Haitians to continue to live miserably or maybe, just maybe, let them have a chance to do something other than wash up on the beach.

Ms. Charles & Mr. Morgan,

ALL HAIL GAIA! ALL HAIL DEMETER! The other shoe, the one whistling in from the Land of Reason, is about to land right in the middle of totally organic, carbon footprintless, vegan tofu porridge, the one cooked by a combination of wind power, orvine eructations, and Solyndra solar power, which people have to be paid to eat. The best, the most strident, the most heads so far up their asses that they can fill their own teeth, the ones consumed by a condescending hubris that knows no bounds, environmentalists are rich White people living in fully developed countries. After they successfully picket any store daring to sell $28 a pound Patagonian Saw Tooth Bass they always need a new project. Since the heady days of Storm King they have persuaded America to accept the primacy of the snail darter, the furbish lousewort, the delhi fly, the spotted/speckled owl, the shy jackalope, the fearsome cupabara, the peripatetic Peter Pan pixie butterfly, the Leatherneck turtle, and the last proficiently practicing predator in the Florida swamp, Patsy the vegetarian pterodactyl, thereby trumping the interests of the only undefended, endangered species left on earth. I speak of course of man. Lest you think me to be the King of the Cruel World of Amateur Vivisectionists who never saw a baby seal he wouldn’t club into drowning polar bear canapés I report with great joy that my veterinary bills were far greater than my pediatrician bills. 4 very large dogs, 4 cats – one aggressive & 3 gentle, 1 turtle, 1 budgie, 1 boy and 1 girl. Falstaff, our first Old English sheepdog, had his own credit card at the Speyer Animal Hospital in Manhattan. He didn’t sign it; I did. He died on the operating table at the Cornell University School of Veterinary Medicine. His surgeon was Doctor John Kirk, DVM, who wrote the definitive book on canine skin diseases. The final month for Sharpton, our last cat, cost not quite $1000. These bombastic charlatans, having conquered the guilt-ridden 1% with a combination of anti-intellectual and, worse, anti-rational arguments – [Bambi is not a proper guide for game management. A rutting buck does not stop, repeat, does not stop to look at a yearling because he thinks it may be his.] have moved on to more fertile ground. The new world for them to conquer – They look out “silent, upon a peak on Nantucket” – is Haiti. Let me, as the token White man, as the descendant of all those rapacious DWEMs, as a former 1%er with a carbon footprint equal to the Budweiser horses, as the last living proponent of the many benefits of DDT, as a Concorde frequent flier, as the driver of a 12 cylinder, 160 MPH Jaguar, as someone who sent plumes of Right Guard deodorant up at the fragile – still fragile after all those years? – ozone layer, as someone who mined coal;, and as someone who values one human life far more than all the damned butterflies in Christendom, say that I caused all the woes, each and every last one, that perpetually befall Haiti. The next terrible thing to come down on them will be rich White people telling them that giving up a new harbor, one that could bring in, at the very least, the benefits of the mid-20th century to their country, is no big deal. After all, the maritime skink, a creature known for…for…I don’t know what the varmint does. I know! It’s the nautical canary in the coal mine and it must be protected at all costs. Some of those costs will be infants dying because ships can’t unload their cargo. As to the coral, grind it up and sell it to nouveau riche Chinamen as a better pecker powder than rhino horn. The other explanation is that rich White people don’t give a damn about the lesser breeds save for keeping them around so they can feel superior. Like an environmental porch monkey. 35% of all the abortions in this country since Roe v Wade have been performed on Black women. Kill them in the womb or starve them to death by stopping a modern port. No big difference, right? Kevin Smith