March 7, 2014

Letter to the Editor
The Miami Herald
3511 NW 91st street
Miami, FL 33172

RE: “Don’t Drill, Baby! – The headline above your unlinkable editorial today and how it gives me the Lenten opportunity to gain some minor indulgences by not shouting, as Logic would dictate, “Morons! I am surrounded by morons!”

Sirs,

It is empirically self-evident that Ned Lud now has the upper hand, indeed the only hand, in the editorial aerie at the Miami Herald. [As an afterthought, do you think it is too late for our country to borrow more money from the Chinese so we can have a new Solyndra every month? Get back to me on that.]

May I suggest, as I have been suggesting since 1997, that you, the Ozymandian-like Miami Herald, the guardian of knowing what is right for all of us untermenschen, even if we don’t know it, take one giant step for mankind, the environment, the Everglades – somebody has to look out for the beleaguered pythons and the South American lizards, no? - and all the victims of Wal-Mart greed and Koch Brothers perfidy?

TURN OFF ALL Y0UR AIR CONDITIONERS

Polar bears will serenade you with Ursine te deums. Lambs will volunteer to spend the night with the Lion King. Serbs and Croats will embrace. The Russians will repent. Bush will confess to all his sins. The Furbish lousewort and the Georgetown smelt will thrive, surely goodness and mercy shall follow us all the days of our lives, and the voice of the turtle will be heard again in our fair land.

All you have to do is pull the plug. Turn the damn things off. Open the windows and breathe in. There will be a Summer of Revival, certainly for the hand held fan industry.

As soon as you do that Florida and then the nation will rise as one and save our planet.

Unless I am surrounded by morons.


Kevin Smith