May 8, 2016

Commissioner Stacey Ritter 

Broward County Commission

115 S. Andrews Avenue

FT. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: “carbon footprints” and urinals

Commissioner Ritter,

What a treat it was yesterday to hear your Jabberwocky on “carbon footprints”.  I congratulate you on plumbing Guinness Book depths of vacuous inanities with your interminable ramblings about how proud you are about the polar bear undrownings caused by the construction techniques used in the new Court House.

May I suggest a simpler solution to the never ending climate crisis, one that should be #1 on the agenda of modern American Liberals, all of whom are addle-brained dunces?

Turn off all the A/Cs in Broward County buildings.

If you show us the way we will gladly follow. We need a push from our betters to do the right thing. I am sure that Broward County, a place that is no more than 2 election cycles away from manatee suffrage, would leap at the chance to sweat a bit for the sake of flora and fauna, and of course, the children. Lead. We will follow. Honest.

As to the urinals….

I have heard that the toilet seats in heretofore single sex bathrooms have been welded to the toilets lest the sight of a raised one be thought of as a micro-aggression. Until they can be unwelded in an environmentally sensitive manner is it true that temporary urinals will be put in the Ladies’ Loo? Also, will Broward General Hospital be forced to offer prostate tests to POO chicks, POO being shorthand for Perpetually Outraged and Offended?

You were in Tallahassee the last time I wrote to you. I asked if it were true that you were known as “Cementhead”. If so, I think it was patronizing. How did the brouhaha over where you actually live work out? You can only have one address on a driver’s license or a tax return, right? Did you use the modern American Liberal politician exception of multiple voter ID cards?

Kevin Smith