January 17, 2016

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: New York/Texas – Some comments on your column about how bad Texas is without mentioning that Yankel Rosenblum would still be alive today if he lived in Hondo, TX..

Big Stein,

I am prejudiced and conflicted.

My 4 Texas ladies live in, you know what I’m saying, Texas.

I was a tenant for 5 years at 350 5^th Ave, #6612, New York City. The building is also known as the Empire State Building. That’s the one that the ape climbed

I fracked my first well in January, 1974.

I knew the sales cycles for cashmere at the big NYC stores

“Occupy Wall Street” louts liked to shit in public in Battery Park. Try to imagine that in Muleshoe, TX. I can’t.

As much as I loved the Stage Deli I could never get mountain oysters there.

Country music has 3 basic roots: #1 – My dog died #2 – My truck broke - #3 – My woman left me. “Simplicity, simplicity”, said Thoreau.

I don’t think the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade will be stopping in Italy, TX.

I am in complete agreement with you on les Quebecois. They are the reason why the word merde will always be in vogue.

Could there be a worse DNA mingling than some “stiff necked” New Yorkers and run of the mill Montrealers?

I had a string quartet playing the 17^th and 18^th century Golden Oldies at my daughter’s wedding. Her mother and I danced to “Good Hearted Woman” sung by Waylon Jennings. I played that and Mozart’s Requiem at her funeral service.

“We were the country before the country was ours.”

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

January 24, 2016

Andy Mitchell – CEO

Fairwinds Group

2220 N. Atlantic Avenue

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33305

RE:  Your love of the new A1A seawall in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel is noted.

Mr. Mitchell,

“…enjoying the newly completed section of

the beach wall north of Sunrise.”

God’s Holy Trousers but did you actually say that?

First and foremost, it’s a fugging wall.

As a kid did you have a picture of the Berlin Wall taped to the ceiling in your bedroom? Did it help you get to sleep at night or did you like to wake up to it in the morning?

Have you ever been to China? The wall there should make you positively tumescent.

Are you a Trump supporter? A wall from Corpus Cristi to San Diego should fill you with paroxysms of joy and delight.

Here’s a tip for you.

Keep your mouth shut. That way people will only think you are a horse’s ass. Alas, when you open it you remove all doubt.

Kevin Smith

January 24, 2016

State Senator Eleanor Sobel

2600 Hollywood Blvd.

Hollywood, FL 33020

RE: Fair play for the Broward Redskins

Senator Sobel,

You speak glowingly of the Seminoles, they of the casino business, in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel mini Op-Ed section.

I have come to the conclusion that we really gave the Injuns the shitty end of the stick, particularly in Broward County.

We stole what is today’s Fort Lauderdale from them.

One of the articles of faith of modern American Liberals is that guilt is retroactive. Further, reparations for past sins is mandatory. As such, I demand that we give Fort Lauderdale back to our indigenous aborigines. Not to be cliché ridden but the whole kit and caboodle. Lock, stock, and barrel. The whole 9 Yards. Everything.

Now. 

May I anticipate your support in this noble crusade?

Didn’t the Mohawks help James Madison write our Constitution? That’s what the New York Board of Regents teach to 11^th grade history students.

Pay back.

Kevin Smith

PS – Speaking of our native 3^rd Worlders…Isn’t it past time to do away with the Florida State University masco?. It is a picture of a grim faced, almost feral, warrior. It scares my youngest granddaughter. Why not replace it with a croupier wearing face paint and a feather as an honor to the past?

January 24, 2016

Gary Stein

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Those rascally Republicans. Is there no end to their mean spirited perfidy?

Big Stein,

Thanks for warming up a cold morning. It was so cold that the manatee pups, the ones that make the best sushi, resisted my gluten wonder bait.

You say that Republicans blame Obama for everything. I’ll get back to that>

I am sorry that Sarah Palin is not up to your exacting standards. As long as the utterances of Vice President Alpha Gump, a nitwit who managed to flunk out of 2 graduate schools in one semester and the brown squirt Professor Irwin Corey-like Vice President Curley Biden are Googleable we will never know how high that bar should be.

Gore/Gump was/is so friggin’ dumb he makes my hair hurt. It is an inconvenient truth that he regularly gets lost on an escalator.

To his credit he did coin the phrase “no controlling legal authority” while dodging a Federal felony charge. [How can we forget that Janet Reno, a Florida chick who began her illustrious Federal career by barbecuing some 7 dozen of her fellow citizens in Waco was in charge of the look see? I haven’t]

Lest we forget he got jammed up because some discalced, mendicant, saffron robed Buddhist nuns used their credit cards to give him $300,000. Maybe he wasn’t that dumb.

Curley Biden, named after the smartest Stooge, knows that sometimes it is a “big fucking deal” like when he realizes that is close, very close to figuring out what to do with his thumbs. Having mastered the art of putting on his own shoes – toes to the front always – he is on to bigger and better things. He knows that he is close, very close, to finally figuring out what to do with his thumbs. After all those years of trying to pick his nose with his thumb or sticking it in his eye may be coming to an end. Assuming that a phone booth can be found I will book all bets that he couldn’t find his ass using both his hands. 

Back to the Republicans blaming Obama for everything…

Your list of things that they find him responsible for includes Global Warming. Be advised that before there was Global Warming there was Global Cooling. I first read about it in 1968. Lyndon Johnson was President that year. I can think of at least 2 things for which he should be disinterred and keelhauled. Global Cooling/Warming ain’t one of them.

Speaking of retroactive blame maybe you can help me with the following.

It is a well-known fact that George W. Bush, egged on by the Koch Brothers, caused Hurricane Katrina because he didn’t like Black people, particularly those in New Orleans. The fact that a Democratic Mayor, a Democratic county executive, and a Democratic Governor could not get a truck filled with ice and water across one bridge is never mentioned. [I won’t mention the fact that the Democratic Mayor is in the pokey for stealing stoves, both hot and cold.] Modern American Liberals live by the Bush is evil and the source of all things evil and bad in the world, right?

One more thing before I go.

Flint, Michigan has been fortifying its water with lead. [Full disclosure requires me to tell you that I made a few dollars in the lead removal business]

This began when Michigan had a Democratic Governor.

Flint had been buying water from Detroit. You may recall that Detroit had a Democratic Mayor who, can you believe this, is in Federal prison for robbing old ladies and boosting poor boxes. Flint went into the water business because of the potential swag that could be made for the Bosses. 

The Environmental Protection Agency, a group with immense negative power, was begun by Richard Nixon. It had jurisdiction but chose not to exercise it. Thus the poisoning of children was allowed to continue unabated. The head of the agency, appointed by Obama, has since resigned.

My question is simple.. 

If Bush was guilty of killing all those Black people on New Orleans shouldn’t Obama be found guilty of poisoning all those people in Flint?

Sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander, right?

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@bELLSOUTH.NET

PS – I heard that the Koch Brothers caused the blizzard. Look in to it and get back to me please Grazie

January 24, 2016

Michael Mayo

The Sun Sentinel

RE: Voting

Mr. Mayo,

You get to medium dudgeon in your column about double dip voting in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

#1 – I had an uncle in jersey City, NJ who was so fond of voting that he didn’t let his death in 1956 stop him from being a registered Democrat who never missed an election whether it was a primary, local, state or national until 1971 when a Federal Judge removed his name form the active voting rolls.

#2 – On a lark, with a bit of whimsy and mirth tossed in, and as a way to honor my DNA as a true son of Hudson County I got 6 voter ID cards under the watchful eye of Miriam Oliphant, the deposed Broward voting boss.

#3 – You continue the modern American Liberal shibboleth about the Presidential election of 2000, George W. Bush became President for a variety of reasons.

A – If Gore had carried Tennessee, his home state, he would not have needed Florida’s electoral votes and he would have been President. Honest. Look it up.

B – The Supreme Court vote that made Bush President was 7 to 2. The vote to accept the case was 5 to 4. If Judge Bork had been confirmed he would have voted against taking the case and Gore would have been President.

Life’s a bitch or hoist on your own modern American Liberal petard. Pick one. Pick both.

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

January 23, 2016

Viva Trump!

Some 6 centuries ago the Roman Catholic Church, my Church, began to sell
indulgences. Indulgences were “Get out of jail free” cards. Sins, whether venial or mortal could have their punishment - Time in Purgatory or forever in Hell as described by Dante – lessened or forgiven

Like most Renaissance Italianate – Did I just repeat myself? – things it quickly led to wretched excess. Alas, the practice caught the eye of a pain in the ass inquisitive Augustinian monk in Germany, Martin Luther by name.

The rest is, as is oft-times said, History.

I intend to bring back indulgences.

At my daughter Courtenay’s wedding I gave gifts to 3 dear friends of mine, 2 of whom are now dead. One of the gifts was an autographed first edition of National Review. If you don’t know William F. Buckley, Jr. stop reading. Now.

Let me add that I have 17 years of bound copies of National Review. For 10 years I was an annual contributor to their foundation.

Marcus Aurelius, Augustine, Burke, Madison, Bastiat, Weaver, Hayek, Maritain, Burnham, Chambers, Cicero, Kipling, Johnson, Eliot, Hart, Solzhenitsyn, Brownson, Nock, Meyer, de Tocqueville, Freidman, Percy, Belloc, Nisbet, Chesterton, Lewis for starters. An “A” team for sure. .Feel free to add other names featured in NR.

When the roll is called for any other magazine of ideas it is a short thing. The Nation? The New Republic? America? The New Yorker? Of course they were well written but it was like eating a bowl of whipped cream and meringue. There was, is, no “there” there.  Rawls? Chomsky? Odets? Hellman? Half the Democratic Senators being racist? The sale of their souls from August 22, 1939 to June 21, 1941? “The triumph of hope over experience”?  Results? Who needs them! It’s expectations that count.

Modern American Liberals are like a nest of vipers being let loose in a crowded church. Conservatism, however it is defined, is the truth serum, the sting of holy water to the vampire that allows escape from the offenses to Logic that mALs revel in. It would be bad enough if it were limited to magazines and the sere groves of academe. I suggest the evidence of your own eyes would be the realization that the only promise that the man in the White House has kept is the one where he said he would fundamentally change this country. Give him credit, however perverse, that he said what he was going to do before he did it.

As an Irish-Catholic born and raised in Bayonne, NJ, and thus a genetically designated Democrat, I confess to two things, one of which the consequences preclude any relief by indulgences be they plenary or partial. It was the only vote I ever regretted casting. 

LBJ – 1964

My betters told me that if Goldwater won we would have 2,000,000 men in Vietnam and we would have race riots. How could I vote for that?

History has a way of intruding.

“How sad of all the things that men endure

how few laws or kings can cause or cure.”

Sitting on the sidelines, keeping a careful chronicle, was the National Review. It was a contemporary version of “The Gods of the Copybook Headings”.

NR was my Damascus moment.

I, by virtue of being a true Conservative, one steeped in both the 25 century old tradition and the practical application of today’s politics, hereby grant any number of indulgences sufficient to get Conservatives to help elect Donald Trump as the next President of the United States. 

We must summon him like the citizens of Rome summoned Cincinnatus to save the Republic. I promise to spend the first 100 days of his term trying to convert him to the pure, sacred form of Conservatism. I shall start by reading William F Buckley’s columns to him. I will summon his ghost to read “Up From Liberalism” to him at meals. 

Since all my capital is tied up in debt the only legacy I can leave for the benefit of my Texas ladies is Western Civilization. We are in a time of limitless peril. We “are being watched by large and awful faces from beyond and on those faces there is no smile”.

Who will be our Horatius at the bridge? 

Hillary Clinton? Curly Biden? Bernie, the Bombastic Bolshie?

As to National Review, Buckley would respond to an irate subscriber who wrote demanding that the cancel his subscription. “Cancel your own Goddamn subscription” he would say.

Cancel, don’t cancel.

Come to me with your doubts. It is time for Trump. 

Kevin Smith

WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET

. . 

 

January 17, 2016

Mitchell Berger, Esq.

Berger Singerman

350 E. Las Olas Blvd

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: What to do, what to do – some comments on the Sun Sentinel editorial today opposing the Bahia Mar development.

Mr. Berger,

In its essence the Bahia Mar development is but one more example of greedy selfish rich White guys raping the environment and pillaging our sacred trust. After all, the children are our future, aren’t they? You tell us that about 3 days of a Republican administration would guarantee that the Florida Keys would disappear, Las Olas Boulevard would be 19 feet under water, and in 5 years beachfront property would begin at Disney World. .

Go Bernie!

[Would it be poor form to remind you that 7 years ago we were promised by a clean and articulate candidate that he would “calm the seas and cool the planet”?]

Bahia Mar is a proposed $400,000,000 real estate development that is to be built between the Atlantic Ocean and the Intracoastal. It will be less than 400 yards wide. I think it is safe to say that there will be no Section 8 set asides, there will be no Senior Citizen housing, there will be no homeless shelters, and there will be no tent cities for Syrian refugees.

As a card carrying, fire breathing, modern American Liberal are you facing a conflict, not of interest, but of values and principles? You say that sea levels are rising. As an aside I must tell you that gasoline at $1.79 a gallon, while it augurs well for consumers, especially for those who are “unlucky in life’s lottery”, is for the wind and solar businesses a big kick in los cojones. If it weren’t for huge tax subsidies both would be in the comatose moribund category.

Can I assume that your firm will not represent buyer, sellers, or lenders in the Bahia Mar project? It is easy to talk the talk. It’s time to walk the walk. Viva Gaia!

Kevin Smith

January 17, 2016

Mayor Frank Ortis

10100 Pembroke Pines Blvd.

Pembroke Pines, FL 333026

RE: Go frack yourself? Some comments on your mini op-ed in today’s Sun Sentinel on undoing the Industrial Revolution.

Mayor Ortis,

Ideas have consequences

You say “fracking” is evil.

If that is so would not the tenets of modern American Liberalism demand that you forego its benefits?

I filled the tank of my gas guzzling, polar bear drowning, and ginormous carbon foot printing SUV on Friday last at $1.81 per gallon.

Here is today’s “water is wet; stones are hard” economics lesson. Since these things are foreign to you I’ll type slowly.

Oil sold above $100 a barrel less than 2 years ago.

By then, and in despite of Obama who is the most economically illiterate President since Carter, the near divine combination of slant drilling and fracking hit passing gear. The production of some hydrocarbons doubled, ironically on Obama’s watch. All of this has benefitted the American consumer greatly. No “shovel ready jobs”, no “cash for clunkers”, no never arriving “Summer of Recovery”.

Pay attention. This part is very important. It’s what makes the dog hunt.

“When eggs sell for $5 a dozen the rooster lays”

$100 oil and $13 per MM gas were the equivalent of $5 eggs.

More supply, coupled with the decreased demand, said demand decrease being caused by people who believe in taxing the country to prosperity, has produced oil at $30 a barrel and gas at $2 per MM cubic feet.

Am I going too fast for you?

Today’s History lesson now begins.

Here is a new term for you: the Theory of Nullification.

Put simply, and for you that is a very low bar, it says that a local government can undo the regs set by a larger government, be it state or federal because it doesn’t like them. We had this debate in our country a while back. It was settled at Appomattox, VA in 1865.

Pembroke Pines has several avenues of recourse open to them. They all involve political and judicial options. The first thing to do is elect more people who agree with you. Until the law is changed you ignore it at your own peril.

I suggest that if you don’t like fracking you should give up the benefits derived from same.

Let’ start easy.

Turn off all the A/Cs in public buildings.

Public transit only – no private autos – for city employees starting with you.

No hot coffee, no cold drinks at city hall.

If there are any ice rinks in Pembroke Pines ban them

Ban A/Cs in movie theatres.

 

Simple, right?

The people will rally to you, Trust me. It might get a bit lonely on the moral high ground but your cause is righteous. Show us the way.

Kevin Smith

PS – There is some good news to come out of this. You are hereby named

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK.

         Wear your laurels proudly. You got them the old fashioned way.

YOU EARNED THEM

January 14, 2016

Mary Ellen Klas

The Miami Herald

RE: A comment or two on your article in today’s Herald about the ramifications of a “wealthy developer” trying to force Mother Nature to give up her treasures.

Ms Klas,

“To frack or not to frack. That is the question.”

If the envelope of Journalism can be stretched to include Sean Penn then I feel compelled to abide by its rules, however fluid they may be.

As such, full disclosure requires me to reveal that I fracked my first well in January, 1974. Alas, my involvement in the energy business today is limited to the receiving/using end. I put gas in my car and I am a serial user of electricity. I have a slew of electronic devices that I revel in the use of.  Despite today’s chilly weather I like to use them in an apartment made more temperate by A/C. I like hot water, particularly after a sweaty day of manning my manatee traps. How could I forget ice? When used with gin it is a delightful conclusion to a busy day.

As such, the only dog I have left in the Frack/Don’t Frack fracas is the peaceful enjoyment of the fruits of someone else’s labor.

Broward County is ground zero for the moon-bat, wing nut rabble who proclaims themselves to be modern American Liberals who want to stop this practice here. [How their unicorn breeding stables and their as yet unsuccessful balloon juice/rainbow stew co-operative will power themselves is a question for a different time and place] 

I am not familiar with the protocol of who regulates what. [I do know that Thomas Jefferson warned us about the dangers of “sending hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance”. That last line is from the Declaration of Independence.] Is it possible for some eager agency to stop the 4:00 AM freight train from blowing its Goddamn horn as it goes through Broward?

Is that an example of Think Globally; Act Locally? 

I offer a solution, admittedly imperfect, to the conundrum of making omelets without breaking eggs.

Florida Power & Light breaks out how its electricity is produced. It lists by percentage how much is produced from coal, gas, oil, sun. wind, and unknown.

I have been calling on the Miami Herald since 1997 to turn off all of their A/Cs in the summer. Lead by example. Show us the way. Shame us into doing what deep down we know is the right thing to do. I expanded my list to all buildings owned or operated by Broward County. I even suggested that the use of private automobiles be banned as a condition of employment.

I guess it was a step too far.

I suggest that whatever percentage of electricity is generated by oil and gas wells that have been fracked is the starting point for reaching for the main breaker. 

If it is 10% then we will have 3 days in 30  without electricity. If that is too hard we can limit it to A/Cs. 20% = 6 days.

That way the moral high ground off Gaia worship will not be contaminated by artificially produced temperate climes.

That way, the rest of us can crank up the A/C to meat hanging levels if we so wish.

A win/win, no?

Kevin Smith

PS – Anthony Trollope was noted for his devotion to the ordinary, to the quotidian habits and descriptions of his characters. Thus, when you described John Kanter, a potential fracker, as a “wealthy developer”, I was pleased. Obviously another fan of Trollope plus affirmation of the simple fact that “indigent developer” is a class whose time has not yet come. Also, the pecking order of regulating train horns begins and ends with the Big Dog from the Feds, the one that Jefferson warned us about.

January 12, 2016

Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

Democratic National Committee

430 South Capitol Street Southwest

Washington, DC 20003

My dear Congresswoman,

Chain yourself to your desk!

Go on a hunger strike!

Cry!

Pee in your pants!

Shave your head!

Feel free to use my name in any way that you think will most help you stay in power. Who could be better than you to speak for the moon-bat, wing nut modern American Liberals who want to repeal all the laws governing gravity?

Most importantly, what would I do without you?

As a bonus I am throwing in a History lesson.

One of the things that are a constant source of amazement to the people who know that “stones are hard and water is wet” is the ability of modern American Liberals to pirouette 180 on matters of public policy, of personal belief, or anything. The Defense of Marriage Act, the vote on the Iraq war are but 2 examples. 

Here’s a better one: the outrage at Civil War monuments.

I think General Sherman should have duplicated the Roman method for finally settling the problem with Carthage. They leveled it. Then they salted the earth so nothing could grow or live there. Rome was never bothered by Carthage again. He should have left Charleston, South Carolina in a smoldering heap where not 3 bricks would be in line. That was where the war started. For almost four years they never tasted battle. All the bleeding and dying was 500 miles away. He should have put the PAID stamp on that bill.

Let me add that I have had a relative at Gettysburg since July 2, 1863. He sleeps there “still wrapped in his faded coat of Blue”.

It’s over. The swords have been returned to their scabbards. Let the dead, regardless of their uniforms, sleep in peace.

If you need some retroactive outrage, “eclectic indignation” if you will, I suggest that Hillary Clinton renounce the Margaret Sanger Lifetime Achievement Award that Planned Parenthood gave her 3 years ago. The reasons now are obvious.

Racism was the least of her sins. She almost succeeded in making Woodrow Wilson into a model for race relations. [You may recall that Justice Marshall said he was “the most racist, most bigoted President ever”. World War 1 and his promise to “never send American boys to fight in foreign wars notwithstanding, he never directly killed anyone. Did I mention that Wilson was a Democrat?]

Margaret Sanger was the biggest personal murderer in the 20^th century.

She took Wilson’s vile bigotry to its Logical conclusion. 

As a eugenicist and a fervent supporter of selective breeding she fought to use the abortions of Black women as a means of “culling the herd” and keeping America safe from the ravages of the “lesser breeds”.

Honest Injun. You could look it up.

But wait. There’s more.

So persuasive were her efforts, so convincing were her arguments that many Europeans took up her cause. A charismatic, clean, and articulate community activist in Germany spoke highly of her. In fact, when it came time to write the 1934 Nuremberg Race Laws Adolph Hitler used her writings and experience to help him.

The only other Americans that Hitler had such positive thoughts about were Ambassador Joe Kennedy and Charles Lindbergh.

Honest Injun. You could look it up.

Can you imagine the positive uproar when Hillary Clinton denounces Hitler and tosses her Margaret Sanger trophy into an environmentally sensitive recycling center? I can. 

That’s my tip for the day.

Meanwhile, don’t let the wankering wowsers get you down. 

If Bernie gets the nod would you want to be Vice President? 

Your pal,

Kevin Smith

December 24, 2015

Congresswoman Lois Frankel

2500 N. Military Trail

Boca Raton, FL 33431

RE: How did it happen? Plus, Tom Steyer is going to be really pissed off when he finds out.

Madame Congresswoman,

If we are to believe the Wall Street Journal of 12/24/15 “US oil output has shot up more than 80%” [Page A4] since 2009. While it is a sign of intellectual laziness to confuse and conflate correlation with causation one cannot help but notice that Obama has been in office since then.

Could you tell me how this has happened on his watch?

Could you tell me which policy or policies led to this?

As a constituent may I anticipate the courtesy of a prompt reply?

Kevin Smith

January 3, 2016

Ron Klein, Esq.

Holland & Knight

515 E. Las Olas Blvd.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: What is past used to be prologue, right? – Some comments on your view in today’s Sun Sentinel of recent American History, a view that does not pass the infallible smell test

Mr. Klein,

You say in the mini OP-ED that 

“The American people will elect a president who

can unify our country. We will elect a leader who. 

has extensive experience in foreign policy and will

help people of different faiths realize the American 

dream. Our next president will generate growth in by

investing in infrastructure, water systems and  clean 

energy, and provide tax relief to small businesses.”

The Sun Sentinel

Today

You

[A quick aside: You mention “senseless rhetoric” which when said by an attorney should be, at the very least, a flogging offense. Words have meanings. Rhetoric is the capstone of the Trivium and, as such, one of the crown jewels of Western Civilization. Of course you meant to say Sophistry.  As a modern American Liberal you can claim invincible ignorance because since your favorite color is plaid all words mean exactly what you want them to mean, right?]

Except for the part about “extensive foreign policy experience” I thought the country had elected such a President 8 years ago. Wil Hillary calm the seas and cool the earth or is that an example of senseless Sophistry if such a construct is possible? 

Is it Rainbow Juice or Balloon Stew that gets you through the day?

Kevin Smith