Gordon Brown – Prime Minister

October 20, 2009

Gordon Brown – Prime Minister
10 Downing Street
London, England

RE: “The World Turned Upside Down”

Mr. Prime Minister,

Congratulations!

An explanation is in order. One of our founding documents says “that a decent respect for the opinions of mankind” demands that we explain what we are doing.

I am the owner in fee simple of 3 of the most prestigious awards given in America. Unlike the most recent recipient of the noble Nobel Prize for Peace to win any of my awards you have to do something.

You have won one.

Adding to the prestige and luster of the award itself is the fact that this is the first time that any of these awards has been given to anyone not native to my country. No matter how high I raise the bar we seem never to run out of candidates. That is the reason I have never ventured from our shores. We have enough home grown buffoons and poltroons that I felt I didn’t have to get my passport renewed and my ass tattooed with a foot long typhus shot.

The 3 awards are, in order of magnitude…

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK
POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH
SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR

You said on Sunday that the world had 50 days to live. That means that this being Tuesday we have but 48 days to go. With advice such as that I intend to borrow a lot of money. I think a 60 day maturity has a nice ring to it. Scratch that. I’ll make it 90 days. I want to get Christmas and the BCS game in.

By the powers invested in my by me I hereby name you

HORSE’S ASS OF THE WEEK

If you actually believe the balderdash you are spouting about the end of the world I will upgrade your prize with oak leaf clusters. A cash award used to accompany it but I since I am “in disfavor with fortune and men’s eyes” I use my remaining cash to replenish my dwindling supply of single malt whisky before the EU outlaws it for being too nationalistic.

I now that every time the planet heats up…Are you sitting down?...good things happen. More land becomes arable. People get more protein. If they eat better they get smarter.

The world had an upward spike in temperature about 1000 years ago. England got the Magna Carta. Italy gave us the Renaissance. Do you have a problem with reining in Prince John or with Dante?

Less that 10 miles due East from where I am writing this is something called the Gulf Stream. Try to imagine your country without its warming effects. Wordsworth wouldn’t have any daffodils to write about. Your country would have been Lapland South. That vile vertically challenged Corsican thug wouldn’t have worried about English “shopkeepers” because there wouldn’t have been any. Whatever cows that were left would have produced butter from their bovine teats.

The only consolation that I see for your long suffering and now greatly embarrassed constituents is that you have not yet risen to the standards set by American politicians. Chief among them is Academy Award winner, Nobel Peace Prize winner, and former Vice President Alpha Gump. He was 16 years old before he knew what to do with his thumbs. His shoes have notes on them that read “toes in first”. He is such a boob he makes my hair hurt. He is so stupid he makes Ned Ludd look good. Lysenko is his favorite scientist. The words reasoned discourse, scientific method, and critical enquiry are like holy water, a crucifix, and sunrise to a vampire.

Call me Don Quixote or maybe Flashman but I am going to try to rescue a drowning polar bear. If I do I would like your permission to call him Gordo. I know it will be step down for the bear.

Maybe I could bring him to Parliament for that delightfully British reality show when the Prime Minister takes questions from the House. I don’t suppose you’re trying to get Monte Python back together again.

Today’s pop quiz has but one question. Who said, “Such stupidity, sir, is not found in Nature”?





Kevin Smith