Senator Dan Gelber

May 12, 2010

Senator Dan Gelber
1920 Meridian Street
Miami, FL 33139-1818

RE: A suggestion on how to mitigate the effects of the Gulf spill plus other things.

Senator Gelber,

On June 21, 2009 I asked you, a person proud of the fact that your children attend the same public school that you did, it you could find out why President Obama did not send his daughters to some of the really fine public schools in Washington. I still hope to hear from you about that.

You are quoted this morning in the Sun-Sentinel thusly:

“Anyone who thinks the oil industry is going to back down
forever is absolutely mistaken…they absolutely will bully it
[drilling] through the legislature, as they almost did last year.”

Would it be fair for me to believe that should you be elected Attorney General that you would take steps to prevent, as you say, “an army of lobbyists” from lobbying, bullying, intimidating, influencing, coercing, blackmailing, or bribing legislators in Tallahassee? By the by, are you aware of any illegal activities by any lobbyist for any “special interest” group directed toward any legislators? Do you know of any legislators on the take? I was born and raised in Hudson County, New Jersey. Trust me when I tell you that such things happen. I need not remind you that as an officer of the court you are compelled to report any and all crimes by anyone, particularly those in public life.

But that’s not why I write.

25% of the gasoline used in this country comes from oil produced in the Gulf.

Will you join in my crusade to ban the use of private automobiles for a period of not less than one week per month in Florida?

The benefits will be incalculable.

25% fewer automobiles will mean 25% fewer deaths. Who could then say that Democrats aren’t Pro Life?

25% fewer automobiles will mean 25% fewer lawsuits. This may upset some of your lawyer lodge brothers but that will give them more time to sue the oil companies.

25% fewer automobiles will mean people will live longer. This means that the formation of the misunderstood but dreaded death panels can be delayed.

I write to you because, as Don Corleone said, “you are a serious man”.

One of the ways we can help the much needed medicine go down a bit more smoothly would be to mandate that all public employees must use public transportation when going to and from work. Public employees like you. No exceptions.

All good men know that this is the right thing to do. Sometimes we just need a little nudge.

This is big thing to down in one gulp. That’s why I’ll save my plan for turning off and dismantling all air conditioners in public buildings until next time. Provided Haiti has enough electricity we could send some there. Maybe some could be sent to the Arizona border to make the burdens of the émigrés – a neutral term – better. We could paint the Mexican flag on them so they would feel more at home.

Kevin Smith


PS – Whenever a politician, particularly a modern American Liberal politician, talks about lobbyists for the evil “special interests” I reach for my copy of the Constitution. The First Amendment specifically covers the right of “special interests’ to petition the legislature for a redress of grievances. If you don’t like that part how about the other parts, the ones covering religion, speech, or the press? As Attorney General will you lead the fight to undo the First Amendment?