Steven L. Goldstein The Sun-Sentinel

May 23, 2010

Steven L. Goldstein
The Sun-Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: “Boycotts Will Teach Florida a Lesson” – Today’s column proves that George Jessel was right when he told a pain in the ass to put his teeth in backwards and chew himself to death.

My dear Professor,

If I read your column correctly are you calling for a boycott of…of…Florida?

We know that Trollope was the master of the obvious so I find myself in good company when I break the sad news that you live in…in…Florida.

I can arrange for you to have access to a 36 inch hedge clipper. Here’s what you do with it. Turn it on. Stick your nose into it. We can all draw strength from the fact that there are people out there who will cut off their nose to spite their face. You shall lead us. Further, it proves that my grandfather was right when he oft times marveled at the fact that there were more horses’ asses than there were horses’ heads.

Congratulations! You ahead 2 to 0 before the game has even begun.

Perhaps it is PTDBHS [Post Traumatic Delayed Bush Hatred Syndrome] Perhaps it is WDESLRRS? [Why Does Everyone Still Love Ronald Reagan Syndrome?] Perhaps it the fierce belief that allows “hope to triumph over experience”, the one common denominator that permits modern American Liberals to know that if we double the minimum wage we will, in short order, all be farting through silk..

Whatever it is, and I for one hope that you are simply off your meds, but you seem to be more than a touch out of focus than usual. You are approaching a full bubble off plumb.

“To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world…”

#1 – You say that women in Florida are discriminated against because Florida didn’t pass the Equal Rights Amendment. [My son Sean, AKA the world famous attorney, is a member of the Bar in 3 states. If you can show me where a female school teacher with the exact same credentials as a male is paid less he will apply for admission to the Florida Bar for the sole purpose of trying that case.]

#2 – Even if Florida had passed the Equal Rights Amendment it still would not have become part of the Constitution.



#3 - Are you saying that states that passed the ERA are free from any discrimination based on gender? I will try to be delicate here but if that is what you are saying that is dumbness on a Homeric scale.

Continuing on your trip where facts never interfere with your argument you say the following:

#4 – “Florida loves gay and lesbian tourist dollars.” Then you say that those dudes and dudettes are discriminated against in every social exchange save for random hooking up. Your solution is to have them stay home. Why do I believe that the hotels, restaurants, bars, bistros, and dance halls that cater to them think poorly of you now? If they stop coming the first thing that happens is that waiters, waitresses, tofu wranglers, bell hops, john moppers, Brie and Chablis event planners, Akita breeders, car parkers, harness makers, rug munching teachers, cotton candy companies, and all the Village People wanabees will be out of work.

In typical modern American Liberal – or should I say Progressive? – fashion somebody else has to make the sacrifice for you to feel warm and fuzzy.

#5 – What about the latest perpetual victim class? Why did you discriminate against them by omitting them from your Hall of Fame?

I mean the cross gendered, the quasi-gendered, the non-gendered and the ungendered boys and girls of Florida. Whom can they boycott? Themselves? The Ghost of Nixon? The Taliban? Sarah Palin? AIG?

Tough choices, no?

My suggestion is that we boycott Washington, DC.

I don’t see you as a football fan but there is a NFL team there called the Redskins, the Washington Redskins.

How about all the pro teams – all the pro teams – in Florida boycott every pro team in Washington until the hatefully named Washington Redskins become the Washington Irenic Native Americans?

The Dolphins, the Bucs, the Jaguars, the Heat, the Magic, the Marlins, the Sting Rays, the Panthers, I think the soccer team is called the Copacabanas, and any other pro team in Florida will not play any team in Washington.

Until the sons of Sitting Bull, Crazy Horse, and Geronimo, AKA The American Gandhis, are satisfied the DC pro teams can play with themselves. Who says I can’t learn form Lord Barack the Beneficent? Isn’t that what he told Rush Limbaugh to do?

Once you settle that kerfuffle you can turn your boycott power on Florida State University.

Do you know that they still call themselves the Seminoles? Isn’t that a fancy name for Redskins? I say cancel the FSU/Miami game. Then it’s Goodbye Gators.

You have my permission to use my note as an example of reductio ad absurdum. It won’t be topped until the next White House press briefing.


Kevin Smith