Ellen Goodman The Washington Post Writers Group

August 26, 2010
Ellen Goodman
The Washington Post Writers Group
1150 15th Street, NW
Washington, DC 20017


RE: “Reports of your death have been greatly exaggerated” – Some comments on your triumphal return to the Miami Herald today. Thanks for telling us how bad we are.

Ellie!

Sweetheart!

Where have you been?

I thought you had a one way ticket to the undiscovered country, the one filled with pretty pink palaces where perpetually outraged modern American Liberal ink stained chicks go when their brain enters full blown intellectual climacteric.

Was money the reason you came back?

Did you put a big stack of Benjamins on the last Massachusetts Senate race? Did you follow the advice of Congressman Patrick “Pea Brain” Kennedy and put it all on Marsha Coakley’s beak?

Quien sabe?

The good news is that you’re back.

The bad news is that you still don’t know bupkis.

Your awards, given annually to testosterone overloaded males – Did I just repeat myself? – who have “bare foot and pregnant” tattooed south of their navels, are missing one thing.

I know it’s tough being a broad in America.

The stalling of the drive to outlaw stand up urinals, the fight to outlaw girls being told that they “throw like girls”, the absence of NFL Kamikaze wedgebusters named Portia, the drive for gender equity at Arlington Cemetery, the Constitutional Amendment banning Ladies Night at saloons, the boycott of Victoria’s Secret until they feature size 18 Buddha-like tubbies on the cover of their catalogues, the lack of Black female suicide bombers – God’s Holy Trousers but I don’t why you didn’t go off the bridge long ago. [The great Reagan’s second inaugural would have been a symbolic time to end it]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Perhaps you have been relying too long on the ca-ca from the Boston Globe. There are some villains out there who think with other than their one-eyed trouser snakes. You have been on the testicle free island of hapless hecates too long.

Stop the presses!

There are people out there who hate us and mean us harm.

The WOGs who blew up the WTC sometimes use the bottom of a glass bottle to slice the prepubescent clitorises off of 10 year old girls. Is that in Obamacare?

At least 5 Muslim dominated countries countenance slavery within their borders.

There is a serious Muslim theological debate about the size of the rocks used when stoning a woman “taken in adultery”.

If they are too big the sinning chick dies too quickly.

If they are too small she dies too slowly.

Thus the Muslim world is consumed by the quest for the perfect sized stoning stone.

You have spent your entire professional life being outraged when the ability of a woman to control her body is threatened. Your outrage when some troglodyte weenie who fails to fling himself on the altar of Chicks Rule is noted.

Why aren’t you at Ground Zero screaming for all the defenseless Fatimas? Why aren’t you at the Mosque site throwing bacon fat at the door?

I imagine the lack of a Logical construct in re modern American Liberalism precludes that.

That’s a shame. I am voting you back to the island.





Kevin Smith