Vice President Joey Biden The White House

August 25, 2010

Vice President Joey Biden
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Curly,

I have it on “Deep Throat” background, from sources that must remain confidential, from fellow Auks, that your nickname at Archmere Academy was “cheese dick”. They say it was a sobriquet that you more than lived up to. Your efforts to re-earn it are the stuff of legend.

After reading the transcript of your remarks at the National Institute of Health I would include “cheese head”, as in your head is filled with Cheese Whiz. I say that because you were telling us why it was so smart to borrow money from the Chinese to pay for a study of the “social milieu” of male hookers in Ho Chi Minh City. I suggest that you wrap your head in Duct Tape lest we have a tsunami of cheese exiting your ears and eyes. The carbon footprint would be ginormous. It will top anything that Vice President Dick Cheney ever did.

I call you “Curly” in honor of the smartest Stooge.

Congressman Boehner – shall we call him Speaker Presumptive? – saying that it is time to fire all the dimwitted economists, none of whom ever signed the front of a paycheck, is too kind. Is it too late to bring back the bastinado and the strapado? Maybe the Muslims are on to something when it comes to stoning. You don’t see any of them studying Vietnamese fudge packers, do you?

There is a cardinal rule, Rule #1, observed world wide, about ditch digging. If you are digging on the wrong side of the road stop digging. Digging deeper will not help.

In your case we have Rule #2. Keep your mouth shut. If you stuff a sock in your gob and cover it with tape leftover from swaddling your head people will only suspect you of being a HORSE’S ASS. Every time you open it you remove all doubt.



Kevin Smith


PS - Please tell me that you don’t believe that Austrian is spoken in Austria. Also, the American Flag has 50 stars, one for each state. You knew that, didn’t you?