Mayor Michael Bloomberg

August 6, 2010

Mayor Michael Bloomberg
City Hall
New York, New York 10007

RE: The mosque…not a mosque…the mosque

Mayor Bloomberg,

Congratulations for standing up for reasoned discourse, one of the capstones of Western Civilization.

While there may be some truth when Samuel Johnson, that Dead White European Male, said “We would welcome a cow in a pasture but turn her out of a parlor”, it does not apply here. That you are willing to risk the wrath of the yahoos and red necks who oppose the mosque shows that you are a man of principle. Not for you the cries – yelps, really – of the great unwashed who still remember the “unpleasantness” of 9/11/01.

There will be some residual resentments stemming from a cultural divide that, alas, still exists.

When the Taliban, and don’t they give moderate Muslims a bad name, ran Afghanistan they used to pull the fingernails out of little girls who had painted their nails. I am sure you get Abdul or Yusuf to rule that that out, if only in Manhattan. Brooklyn is free to go its own way. [I understand that Park Slope is first on their expansion list.]

I suggest that you ask the imams, mullahs, ayatollahs, and virgin converter wanabees to wait at least 5 years before they open a Medicaid accepting 24 hour pre-pubescent cliteroidectomy clinic. There are rumors that neon signs brightly proclaiming “Snip/Slash – Service with a Smile Plus as Happy Meal coupon [chicken only]” are already on order.

Also, there should be an indefinite ban on stonings of women taken in adultery unless you can get the Village People to sponsor some concerts. If you can get the S&M crowd excited about this you may be on to something. Until then, it’s a non-starter.

Lastly, I would implore you to ask the Big Boss man, the one who has “Death to Jews” tattooed on his stomach, to understand that diversity and multiculturalism is a 2 way street.

The first official religious ceremony at the new mosque should be the wedding of every homosexual and lesbian couple in New York. Special attention will be paid to transgendered, non-gendered, and ungendered couples. There will be special provisions made for pitchers, catchers, Akitas, callow youth, Koran ass wipers, curmudgeons, reformed bacon lovers, and the most coveted door prize, a herd of sheep flown in from the Falklands that day.

I remember the famous New York Post page 1 photograph of a dozen naked men masturbating in front of St. Patrick’s Cathedral.

What better way for them to show how glad they are to be in diverse Manhattan than to schedule a chicken choking, sheep shagging contest before the weddings in the mosque. You could feature traditional Muslim music…wait a minute…there is no traditional Muslim music.

“Trousered Apes” rule and you have acquiesced in it.

Whenever they need outside help there is never a shortage of dhimmi dummies, men such as you, to do their bidding.

Yeats was right.

And where, pray tell, is the Muslim Yeats? The Muslim Eliot? The Muslim Joyce? The Muslim Auden? For it to be a cross cultural experience shouldn’t there be at least 2 cultures?

“The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.”




Kevin Smith