Margaret Carlson Bloomberg News

September 2, 2010

Margaret Carlson
Bloomberg News
1399 New York Avenue
Washington, DC 20005

RE: “slim credentialed” candidates and what are we do about them. Some comments on your column of August 30

Ms. Carlson,

Lest you think me a stalker I usually limit myself to but once a week poleaxing of modern American Liberal ink stained wenches. It’s almost like spiking baby seals. Then I read your column about candidates with “slim credentials”. I know it’s dark and dangerous work but when you dress up like a piñata it becomes my duty to get out my Louisville slugger and eschew the blindfold. Your “slim credentialed” candidate was Ben Quayle. You say his most notable accomplishment is being the son of a “poor speller”.

“Slim credentials” pose no impediment to success in American politics.

What exactly did Barack Obama do before he became President?

He has a law degree from a prestigious university. Did he ever handle a real estate closing, a closing where an elderly relative – usually female – shows up at 4:00 on Friday with a sack filled with cash so her nephew could buy his first house? Did he ever try any felony cases? Did he ever win in Appellate Court? Was he General Counsel to a Fortune 500 company, a company that had to deal with a perpetual bête noire, the United States Government?

How successful was his time as a street organizer in Chicago? Since no one seemed to mind when Bush was compared to Hitler, the 20th century’s most notable street organizer, would it be totally out of line to say that Barack learned from Adolph? Did he toss the Mayor out? Did he change the way Chicago was governed? Did the Cook County Courthouse boys send him to Springfield because he was too good? If he did such a great job there why would he move 200 miles away? Chicago has a murder rate on par with Monterey and Kabul. How good could he have been?

He set a record in the Illinois legislature for not voting. Ever time there was vote the clerk automatically entered “present”. I’ll give him this. At least he wasn’t indicted. In Cook County that’s half way to sainthood.

He was in the United States Senate long enough for his wife to “feel proud”. Has anyone ever asked what or who she did to get a $4,000 a week raise? Her annual salary was increased by $200,000. Then he became President. Would you believe that her job, whatever it was, has been vacant since she moved to Washington?

Like I said, “slim credentials” are no impediment to success in America.

Before I enter the firing coordinates on the above target I must tell you that your comment on Ben Quayle being the son of a “poor speller” prompted an internet search.

His father, a man whose “shakra” quotient is unknown, a man who does not meet the breed standards of a “love crazed poodle”, won a gold medal in grammar school for geography. Memorizing 50 state capitols was hard enough. 57 or was it 58 would have been impossible especially since they don’t exist.

Since I can’t disprove it – a form of Logic that propels modern American Liberals to their imbecilely asinine conclusions - I believe that Ben’s father was a runner up in a foreign language contest in high school. One of the questions, a trick question to be sure, concerned the languages spoken in Belgium, Austria, and Switzerland. He nailed it. He even knew which part of Belgium spoke Walloon.

There is no record of his father standing in front of TV cameras for 30 minutes repeating, repeating, repeating, “There is no controlling legal authority”. There is also no record of his father raising $300,000 from discalced mendicant Buddhist nuns. The good sisters paid, if memory serves, by credit card. A sin, but only a venial one by modern American Liberal standards.

But wait. There’s more.

When speaking of “slim credentials” we must go the modern American Liberal paradigmatic template. Congressman Patrick Kennedy, AKA “Pea Brain” and/or “Pinhead”, and the Grand Emperor Emeritus, the President for Life of the Lucky Sperm Club is so God Damn “slim credentialed” that a chest x-ray shows nothing.

Bad enough that he is universally known as a little shit he compounds it exponentially by being a hypocritical little shit.

How does someone baptized by the Pope, a person who was graduated from a Catholic college, someone whose family wears not only its Catholic heart on its sleeve but has its Catholic Sacred Heart tattooed onto its family crest get a 100 grade from the National Abortion Rights League? Providence College, his alma mater, has Thomas Aquinas as one its intellectual forebears. One of his models said, “Something cannot be that which it is not”. I can’t speak to the condition of his soul but it is impossible to be a practicing Roman Catholic and be in the NARAL Hall of Fame. You are in one or you are in the other. You can’t be in both. Think of it this way: You can have your cake and eat it but you can’t eat your cake and have it. Maybe that’s why he is a big fan of adult pharmaceuticals.

At least his father set some records for hedonism in the Congress that should stand for a long time. “Patches” was elected to the Rhode Island legislature when he was still in college. It speaks ill of his classmates that would do anything, including inflicting him on the good people of Rhode Island, to get him out of the dormitory. On the other hand how many verses of Kumbaya could you stand in one day before you contemplated defenestration?

He would need lessons in how to mess up a two car funeral or how to ruin a wet dream.

His most notable accomplishment has been adhering to a save the world, save the rain forest, save drowning polar bears, save the manatees, save Tibet, save the ozone layer, save whoever needs saving by remaining childless.

I know it can’t be the Last of the Kennedys but one root gone dry and barren in the fertile soil of “slim credentialed” candidates is a good start, right?





Kevin Smith