Senator Jay Forbes Kerry

September 28, 2010

Senator Jay Forbes Kerry
222 Milliken Place
Fall River, MA 02721

RE: Giving Gigolos a bad name.

Senator Kerry,

A lot of Americans think that President Obama ain’t so Akbar.

A lot of Americans – how many will be determined in less than 6 weeks – think that Nancy Pelosi makes all the Shakespearean witches look like Cabbage Patch Kids.

You know why this is so. I twice heard you give the reason.

Americans are dumb.

I guess the only thing bigger than your hair and nose are your cojones.

Absent the release of your DD214 – that’s the record you get on your last day of active duty service, that’s the one that you promised to deliver 6 years ago, that’s the one that gives the details, “warts and all”, of what you did during your times in the service – a case could be made for you being an agent of the Viet Cong. Maybe you were planning to hook up with Jane Fonda and Bill Ayers and blow up Bunker Hill. Quien sabe?

I know that you twice married well.

What’s the word for male courtesan?

A few nights in the kip and you have a wallet the size of Fenway Park. It sure beats the Hell out of working for a living, doesn’t it? Triathletes run around it to get in top shape. Potential suicides ask if they can jump off it.

Anyway, now that Fatso Kennedy appears to be securely entombed, I now bestow on your two of my most coveted honors. These awards are not given lightly. There is no Affirmative Action here. You get them the old fashioned way.

YOU EARN THEM!


POMPOUS FART OF THE MONTH
SMARMY BASTARD OF THE YEAR


I use Ted Williams as an example when explaining the art and science of hitting a pitched baseball, surely on the hardest things to do in all of sport, to Englishmen. To his last time at the plate he made it look like so easy, so effortless.

So do you.

Kevin Smith



PS – Rumors abound that Tess, your madcap Gypsy lady wife and God but I miss her so, will be having you as her personal food taster. What with the chimes at midnight this New Year’s Eve signaling the return of the Death Tax with a vengeance not seen since Bush’s surge in Iraq Tess figures to err on the safe side. You keep asking her to eat the mushrooms. You offer her some Kool-Aid with them. If she has you keelhauled I’ll volunteer to be on that jury. It will only take one dumb guy, a guy like me, for her to walk.