Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Democratic National Committee

April 12, 2011

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
Democratic National Committee
430 S. Capitol St. SE
Washington, DC 20003

RE: News from the home front plus a new threat from an old enemy

Ms. Debbie-Debbie,

This morning’s Sun-Sentinel has a headline that says, “In Florida, women make $7,013 less than men”.

Yesterday, the same paper reported that you stood for the “Middle class and less fortunate”. Further, you said that you ran for office to help a “generation of under-represented women”.

This wage disparity cannot stand. Why having a penis is worth almost $600 a month than a vagina is incomprehensible.

The thought that lady teachers, lady letter carriers, lady basketball players, lady talk show hosts, lady neurosurgeons, and lady members of Congress are paid $7,013 less than their piggish male counterparts – How in the name of Kumbaya and “Can’t we all just get along” and “Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow” can Congressman Alan West make $7,013 more than you? - makes me want to have a big league hissy-fit. My knickers will be knotted for the rest of the morning, that’s how enraged am I.

The solution is simple.

Each year, at half time of the Orange Bowl, every female in Florida gets a check for $7,013. Although this will not qualify as a “shovel ready” job left over from the “summer of recovery” it will go a long way to easing the burden of the undeserving poor. How many unemployed, underemployed, and underunemloyabled census workers do we have? Quien sabe? Once they distribute the checks they will qualify for life time unemployment benefits. In fact, a case can be made for unemployment checks being made perpetual. Once you’re in the system they become part of your estate. You can will them to your heirs. You remember that former Speaker Pelosi – “former Speaker Pelosi” defines euphony, doesn’t it? - told us that the two quickest ways to stimulate the economy were food stamps and unemployment checks.


The hardest part of this job will be to convince Uncle Wong, our Cheshire Cat smiling Chinese banker, to lend us the money. Since you are known for your charm, your wit, your sense of humor, your grace, your jennysayqwa, you may want to take a shot at the old guy yourself. Besides, I hear the food is great. If he demurs tell him you’ll tell the world about foot binding.

As always, you go girl!

The “new threat from an old enemy” is far more serious.

I remember how your eyes went up and down and side to side like a Seminole slot machine when oil went to $147 a barrel and gasoline was $4.25 a few years ago.

The reason this happened when George W. Bush was President was simple: His Vice President, Darth Cheney, in league with his evil invisible twin, the satanic Vlad Cheney, manipulated the oil market and then the gasoline market. We both thought they were gone when Lord Barack the Beneficent ascended into the White House. Silly us!

Highly reliable sources, sources that must remain anonymous, inform us that they are holed up in the Energy Department. They are disguised as upper level weenie bureaucrats. The reason they fit in so well is that their cover story says that they never worked a day in their lives, that they never spudded a well, that they never lost a tool down the hole, and that they never dealt with a cracked pipe. In other words, they never produced a barrel of oil. Other than having a government issued credit card that enables them to say “Fill’er up” with sassy insouciance they exhibit no knowledge, no knowledge as in none, of the energy business. What a perfect cover! Talk about hiding in plain sight!

Here’s my plan. I hope you adopt it.

You lead a raid on the Department of Energy.

The tip of the spear will consist of a brigade of Amazons who are paid $7,013 a year less than their male counterparts. Have the ladies of NPR with you. No offers of a truce to discuss terms, no nonsense about non-combatants being allowed to leave, none of the Geneva Convention clap trap about rules. Napalm, poison gas, Predators, looping tapes of The View, Star Wars, Big Bertha, Bigger Bertha, Biggest Bertha, most of Michael Moore fired from a Spud Gun, Colonel North strapped to the front of the lead tank, and former Congresswoman Carrie Meek leading the charge in her ill-gotten Escalade.

Once you are about to give the order to open fire one of those reluctant Boedacias from NPR will probably say that we have some friends in there. Your answer, the only answer possible or acceptable, will be “Kill them all. God will know His own.”


You may never again have to define “kinetic military action”


Kevin Smith


PS – About that $7,013 a year male/female pay differential…It has been documented that some male pole dancers have to pay $7,013 just to get a shot at the pole. I thought you should know.