Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Democratic National Committee

April 17, 2011

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
Democratic National Committee
430 S. Capitol Street, SE
Washington, DC 20003

RE: Do let’s be beastly to the Brits!

Dear Debbie, Debbie, the Doyenne of Democratic Divas

I know how devoted you are to over representing under represented groups, in particular any group that has never enjoyed a prostrate gland. That’s why I have some bad news for you.

The only way a girl gets to be Queen of England is when she kills her brothers.

Who knew?

I am not talking about marrying the King. I am talking about opening Parliament, having all those Guards Regiments salute you, and having your mug on coins, currency, and stamps. If there are any British war ships left the letter “H” on the stern stands for you.

The Crown of Saint Edward will not be worn by any Edwina unless she takes a cue from that old crookback, Richard the 3rd, and kills her nephews. Subtlety was not his strong suit. He had their throats sliced in the game room of the Tower. Who says a chick can’t do it? Think Lady Macbeth.

Henry the 5th, AKA “The Scourge of God”, did not exhort the “band of sisters” to kill the French. It’s time to put an end to centuries of discrimination. If the UK can survive an Edward the 8th it can survive a Queen Gaga.

Use the above as a brief History lesson.

Although you claim to have 2 degrees in Political Science your public statements and subsequent actions would suggest that your knowledge of politics begins with Tammany Hall scams, Hudson County kickbacks, and Cook County recounts. It ends with purple shirted SEIU Nazi thugs beating up old people in wheelchairs and treating America to Kristallnacht Lite.

The perfect codicil would include “You suck” and “You’re fucking dead”.

Maybe you were right when you said “bile and vitriol are tearing us apart at the seams”.

Since your lack of knowledge about Political Science is painfully obvious I shudder if your knowledge of History were ever subject to independent measure. An adult FCAT, if you will.

Hence, the thumbnail History lesson of English monarchial succession. Since it is Palm Sunday consider it an act of Christian charity.

It’s easy to point out a problem. In this case it’s as blatant a case of gender discrimination this side of Mecca. If you are a girl and the first born of a reigning monarch your shot at prime time hinges on one word – vasectomy.

Having pointed out the problem I now proffer a solution.

It will not involve “kinetic military action”.

It will be a burn your bra, ERA forever, I’ll hold my own Goddamn door, so what if I have to sit down to pee, let Princess Ann be a striker for MAN-U, full blown chickies only, MASS MOON when Kate and Billy Boy get married.

A gaggle of females gathering in front of the British Embassy in DC, the one where Kim Philby worked, will do a massive “drawer drop” when those crazy kids get married.

As befitting your position as head Hecate you will be in charge.

Some names leap to mind.

Hillary Clinton and her rechanneled buddy, Eleanor Roosevelt. Just to show that there are no hard feelings, Monica Lewinsky. Nancy Pelosi. Madeline Albright. Barbara Mikulski. Whoopi Goldberg. Janet Reno. Cher. Bella Abzug. Kate Smith [no relation] Aunt Jemima. Barbara Boxer. Sonia Sotomayor, and if she can’t make it, Elena Kagan.

Tight. Ax handle and a half wide. Dead. Steatyagonous. Homeric. Black. Frequently scratched. Never snuggling. Maybe you should have an open casting call.

The highlight, the show stopper, will be Michele Obama.

You may need the Marine Chinook helicopter to get her there. She’s the only woman I know whose foundation garments are also known as flying buttresses. Her sun glasses look like they came from Chartres. Her sun hat doubles as a main sail on a 12 meter yacht. Scratch the last one. Since we’re berating the Brits let’s say her sun hat is such that Nelson could have used it at Trafalgar.

If we can get a skilled Torah writer her keister could contain the Declaration of Independence, the Paris Treaty of 1783, the Lend Lease Act, and all the Rolling Stone lyrics.


British governments have fallen for less.

If that doesn’t work we can ban all products with the name Macallan on the label. Next to go will be bangers and mash followed by Spotted Dick and Boxing Day

If that doesn’t change their perfidious ways – What do you expect from a country nicknamed Albion? – we’ll bring back Guy Fawkes.

Queen GaGa the 1st has a regal sound, doesn’t it?








Kevin Smith