January 4, 2014
Letter to the Editor
The Star Ledger
Star Ledger Plaza
Newark, NJ

RE: As promised. The Dummy’s Guide to GlobalCoolingGlobal WarmingClimateChange particularly if the dummies are modern American Liberals who think that all things are possible if enough men of good will really, sincerely want it to be so. The rumor persists that you are now sitting in your editorial aerie chanting Kumbaya in the hope that the snow will go away. Ah! Blessed consensus.

Sirs,

Like it was yesterday [1992] when Senator Albert Gore, Jr, soon to be Vice President, soon to earn “Cementhead” as his Secret Service call sign, soon to be known forever to his devoted legion of unbelievers as Alpha Gump, took to the floor of the United States Senate to tell us that the sky was falling and that the ozone layer was either imploding and/or exploding or both or neither. Further, there was nothing we could do about it other than to pay more taxes to prolong our death throes.

Since plaid is his favorite color you can never be really sure what the modern American Liberal paradigmatic template of the world’s most perfect horse’s ass meant.

Honest. You could look it up.

This was before he got $300,000 via Visa and Master Charge transactions from discalced mendicant Buddhist nuns. He then began to chant “no controlling legal authority”. It must have worked because the only man to ever flunk out of 2 graduate schools in one semester almost became President. A te deum is in order for the people of Tennessee, his home state, who said that this slum lord, tobacco growing, creator of eternally toxic environmental slag heaps would not, must not, be President. If they had not done so Bush could have won all the votes in Florida and he would still have finished second.

[The fact that he would have had trouble finding his ass using his hands, his wife Thumper’s hands, plus all the baby Gumpsters being back seat drivers didn’t prevent him from making a gazillion dollars by selling kudzu plants to his contemporary 1% dilettantes to plant in the Seychelles or inner city Detroit to atone for their gargantuan, seven league, carbon foot prints. No polar bear was safe when these narcissistic bastards started to party.

Like his father, Senator Albert Arnold Gore Sr, AKA the bag man for Armand Hammer who, like Walter Duranty and Alger Hiss was in thralldom to Lenin and Stalin, Junior sold a non-existent TV network to some enterprising WOGs with said transaction netting him 200 million dollars – that’s $200,000,000.

In Hudson County, New Jersey that’s known as the cost of doing business. Plus, the Al-Jazeera thugs have a marker on the man who could have been President. Cheap at 5 times the price. I expect to see Alpha goose stepping on MSNBC while he hums the Horst Wessel song and wears a Todt Juden golf shirt. That marker is callable on demand. Watch for it coming soon to a TV network.

And don’t you dare use the term “ad hominem” to describe the objectively accurate description of this churlish knave.

The man and the movement are morally and intellectually bankrupt.

But back to the original fallacy, the “consensus”.

While it may be classified as a series of “non sequiturs” it is not too difficult to weave a tapestry worthy of Penelope in re “climate”.

Pay attention. There will be a test.

#1 – How did Greenland wind up being known as Greenland?

#2 – Any time it gets warmer more land becomes more arable. More protein, both vegetable and animal, is produced. More protein makes people smarter. Temperatures spiked up in Europe about 11 centuries ago. We wound up with the Renaissance. Is it Petrarch or is it Dante with whom you have a problem?

#3 – Dante begins La Commedia with “Half way through my journey I found myself in the dark wood of error”. That is the skepticism that is vital to Western Civilization. The need to re-test and re-prove beliefs is what enables Western man, according to Faulkner, not only “to merely survive but to prevail”. It is the scientific method writ large.

When discussion of topics tangible is verboten because
the consensus cannot tolerate dissent perhaps it is time
to bring Ptolemy back to the first chair in Astronomy.

He was top dog, the consensus choice, who had settled the questions of earth, the sun, and the planets for some 16 centuries.

There is a Rhetorical device – not one connected to Sophistry – called “denying the major premise”. All scientific progress is based on it. Independent replication of any thesis is required for said thesis to be accepted. If we preclude it, as in comparing Climate Change skeptics to Holocaust deniers, we preclude any chance of progress.

#4 – Temperatures went down in Europe 5 centuries ago. It affected the spruce and maple trees in northern Italy in a way still not understood. What is known is that the growth rings in those trees were radically different from those before and those after. Stradivarius made some 1100 stringed instruments from these woods. About half survive. They would not have survived save for the fact that they were/are the gold standard for strings. Why the Gods chose fiddles to show his power is beyond the ken of man. What is known is that man could not have influenced the weather to make those trees dance and sing the way they did. If we think we can influence the weather we risk, like Icarus, incurring the wrath of those Gods for a hubris that is astonishing.

#5 – Every 500,000 to 700,000 years the Yellowstone region tears itself apart. It has shut down the earth for decades. We are in the boundaries of another cataclysm. If the premise that man can affect and control the weather is true how did the last one happen? Our species was still struggling to find food. There were no SUVs or hydrochlorcfrackingcarbonflourides around. The polar bears were on their own. Fossil fuel was undreamable.

#6 – It snowed in Boston in June, 1820. It was called “The Year That Summer Never Came”. SUVs, not having yet been built, couldn’t be burning gasoline, it not yet having been discovered, on an Interstate highway system that even Nostradamus had not predicted. How in the name of central heating, down jackets, and cashmere socks did that happen?

#7 – James Fennimore Cooper uses the term Adirondack to describe both the mountains and the region. It is an Indian word, doubtless one of the 5 Nations, that translates out to “dry and bitter”. When Sagamore and Magua went at it hammer and tong there were no rust belt factories belching out acid rain and carcinogens. How did “dry and bitter” become dry and bitter?

#8 – It is an “inconvenient truth” that if Colonel Drake did not spud that first well in Titusville, PA in 1859 we would not be chanting “Save the Whales”. “Free Willy” would not be used when being solicited to send money to Jacques Cousteau. The reason is painfully simple. They would have all been dead. Herman Melville would have a difficult time writing about Moby Dick because no one would have known what the critters looked like. Matthew Brady photographed dead soldiers, not dead whales.

Whale oil was used to enable people to read at night. 3 years after the first well began to produce – 1862 – Captain Ahab would have been unemployed. The whales were free to roam the oceans save for the Japanese insatiable desire for whale tartare and Rolex using whale oil as the secret ingredient when it repairs its watches.. .

If, as you imply, we must cut back on our consumption of fossil fuels to save the planet, would I be able to deduce that you want to kill the whales?

#9 – One of the highlights of the glorious Clinton years happened in July, 1998. President Handsome Billy from Hot Springs gave a press conference in the Rose Garden. Summertime in Washington consists of brutally hot, humid days followed by brutally hot, brutally humid days, followed by brains being sautéed. [One of my suggestions to improve governance was to ban all A/Cs in Congress and the White House. Alas, it has yet to gain traction]

The President of the United States said it was hot because of Global Warming. Honest to God. Bad enough he was an admitted perjurer but he had to give tautologies a bad name to boot.

Certain truths, truths based on Natural Law, “things that are ours from beyond the stars”, are self-evident.

Science does not permit that.

That it was hot in Washington in the Rose Garden in August was self-evident. That this heat was caused because the Senate would not pass the Kyoto Pact, that people used a lot of plastic, that bovine, orvine, and porcine eructations were at an all-time high, that dirty coal produced half the electricity in the country and that more than half of said power went to A/C selfish Americans, if anything is proof of an advanced civilization, not one bent on destroying Mother Earth.

#10 – Swift, Racine, Flashman, Professor Irwin Corey, Mel Brooks, The 3 Stooges, Coren – Put their various talents into an industrial strength Cuisinart and the resulting mix would not be sufficient to grapple with a Russian ship filled with tree hugging Global Warming alarmist boobs being stuck in the ice in Antarctica. Reading things like that make you want to reach for the emergency pair of Depends that all males of a certain age must have nearby.

Absolutely bonkers, head so far up your ass that you could put your tonsils back in, to Hell with common sense ideas can survive anything but ridicule.

The time for GlobalCoolingGlobalWarmingClimateChange to be recognized for the Homeric-sized load of bullshit that it is is now. Now and forever.

I jealously guard my 1969 copy of “The Population Bomb” by Paul Ehrlich, PhD. His premise, one that he used to promulgate on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson,
was simple.

That we would all be dead by the year 2000 there was no doubt. The only uncertainty was whether we would starve to death before we froze to death. That’s what the ninny said. That there should have been people pelting him with burning bags of cat scat there can be no doubt. I do not believe in collective guilt. In this case I will make an exception. We failed our nation, our people, our culture. Indeed all of Western civilization has been placed in peril because no one challenged the “consensus”.

It is January, 2014.

We are six months away from our 5th Summer of Recovery. Dogs are safe to roam the backyards of America because their owners don’t have to eat them…yet. Cats need not unduly fear the microwave. Boiling babies has lost its appeal.

It’s cold in most of America.

Wait a minute! It’s January. We are not in Panama. It’s always cold in January in America. Football games will be played…outdoors. 105,000 people watched 2 teams play hockey in Michigan…outdoors. Look it up.

My recipe for crème brulee is still sacrosanct.

#11- Still having a problem with #1? Send a SASE.

Kevin Smith

– I will personally poleax the next person who says, without a smirk on his face, that very cold winters are caused by very hot summers. Also, I have a goodly supply of new and little used hockey sticks available at varying market prices. They are very good at proving that cold is hot, warm is freezing and that water is not necessarily wet nor are stones always hard. Furthermore, if someone disagrees with the Holy Writ of consensus you can beat him to death with them