January 22, 2015

Harvey Ruvin
Clerk of the Courts
73 Flagler Street
Miami, FL 33130

RE: “County Tackles Climate Change” - Some comments about your appointment to be the “Juice Man” of the gravity defying “Make the tide stop rising in Miami/Dade County”, as reported in today’s unlinkable Miami Herald.

Mr. Ruvin,

“Such stupidity, sir, is not to be found in nature”

Every time I try to retire the great Dr. Johnson’s timeless adage, a horse’s ass of biblical proportions appears, like a giant turd in the holiday punch bowl, to make me cancel the retirement dinner. Someone like you.

Whatever else you do in life, whichever non sequitur lined and tautology paved cul-de-sac you get lost in, your place in the Hall of Fame for Horses’ Asses is secure.

You are right about one thing.

“People are going to look back at this day as a turning point”

You are spot on.

Pick one.

The loonies are running the bin

or

The boobies are running the hatch

I have a copy of “The Population Bomb”, a 1969 best seller written by a very smart man, Professor Paul Ehrlich. I know he was smart because he was on the Johnny Carson show a few dozen times telling us how smart he was as he advised us not to buy any green bananas.

His premise was simple. Although he wasn’t sure what the final reason would be he knew the date. We, the whole world, would die either of starvation or freezing, by date certain 2000.

The date of the news story about you is January 22, 2015. I have been playing with house money for a decade and a half. I turned my A/C on last night, and, to the chagrin of my crack medical providers I am still calorically challenged.

I was reading your tax payer funded puff piece on the Court Clerk web site. One thing is obvious.

Only a fire breathing, card carrying, modern American Liberal would allow tax payer money to be used to say “his proudest achievement was having a manatee orphan named Harvey after him”.

Forget Ebola. That you are suffering from an advanced state of “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome”, with all its attendant manifestations, there can be no doubt. All that was lacking was mentioning the award naming you as “The World’s Tallest Midget”.

Here’s a plan – simple, direct, and oh so achingly obvious – that you can place in motion to really make the “starting point”.

TURN OFF ALL THE A/Cs IN COUNTY BUILDINGS.
START WITH ALL THE COURT HOUSES.

The reason should be crystal clear, even to an ohmadahn like you. Read carefully. I’ll type slowly.

Approximately half the electricity generated in this country comes from coal powered plants. Half of that electricity goes to produce air conditioning. Turn off all the A/Cs and the following things will happen. I promise.

#1 – Your carbon footprint will be lowered
#2 – Polar bear population will soar with a concomitant drop in baby seals.
#3 – The earth will cool.
#4 – The seas will calm.
#5 – You will define the word defenestration as you are flung, in a most violent manner, form the top floor of the court house.

Sisyphus in a clown suit. What a boob!

Is it too late to bring back keelhauling? Bastinado?





Kevin Smith