January 25, 2015


Mayor Jack Seiler
100 North Andrews Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Did you really say that? Some thoughts on your unintentionally funny – with comments approaching Mad magazine or Onion status – comments in today’s unlinkable Sun Sentinel.

Mr. Mayor,

The presumption, one that is easily made in modern American Liberal Broward County, is that elected officials have to say one really dumb thing a week. If they don’t the ruling cabal gives them demerits and detention. You prove my point thus:

“These policies will enable us to identify and prioritize
areas most vulnerable to sea level rise and coastal flooding
and implement adaptation measures to reduce the
damaging effects of climate change.”
The Sun Sentinel
Today
You

I can save the city some of the cost of “identifying and prioritizing areas most vulnerable to sea level rise”. And we thought Professor Irwin Corey was gone, never to return. Here are some guidelines:

A – If sea turtles nest there it is a “vulnerable” area.
B – If you see people using a lot of sun tan lotion who have wide brimmed hats on and wear motley clothes it is a “vulnerable” area.
C – If it costs you $10 to park so you can pay $7 for a beer to go with your $14 hamburger you are in a “vulnerable” area.
D – If, on a predictable quotidian basis, the water level rises, falls, rises, and falls like clockwork you are in a “vulnerable” area. Keen observers of such phenomena call them tides. They are another clue that you are in a “vulnerable” area.
E – If you are surrounded by boorish people who think tipping is anathema, who speak a pidgin French that would have them sent to the Bastille if they were to try it in Bordeaux you are in a “vulnerable” area.
F – Boats. Boats of all kinds. Sail boats, Power boats. Paddle boats. Row boats, Solar powered boats. Fishing boats. Glass bottomed boats. Wretched excess boats. Put them together in any combination and, if you do not have a personal flotation device, get one because you are in a “vulnerable” area.
G – If you find yourself surrounded by people who say “Aye, matey” and “Avast” and “Arrgh” and have wooden legs, eye patches, and parrots on their shoulders you are close to a “vulnerable” area.
Speaking of “climate change”, you may wish to consult the noted Venetian climatologist, Professor Vivaldi. It is the “consensus” of most concerned citizens that he has nailed the theses of such clap trap to the door where reality dares not cross its threshold.

I see where you have had a rough time with the feeding the homeless. Maybe I can help you there also.

I got here in 1996.

One of the first things I noticed was the manatee problem. When the driving force of the Alpha male is to swim into ta propeller, not only a propeller but one that is whiling madly, I concluded that it was time for these useless sea slugs to go. If it weren’t for anti-Darwinists and other foes of natural selection looking to rid themselves of week old endive, arugula, chard, past use date tofu and slightly rank Vegemite they would all look like eels. Or slightly animate fire hoses.

Two birds with one stone.

Herd them all into one big channel that leads to a gargantuan Cuisinart, one on steroids. Sausage for the homeless. Beans and rice. Some vegan sorbet, the kind that Hitler liked. A few sealed box cars to Wichita and the problem is solved.

Don’t you love it when a plan comes together?

One last thing before I go.

As modern American Liberal Roman Catholic how do you square the abortion circle? Please don’t use the Cuomo argument because as a syllogism it is both invalid and untruthful. Cuomo said, and at Notre Dame no less, that while he personally opposed abortion he had no choice but to obey the law of the land. If that were always the case he would have had no problem with putting Dred Scott, captured in Canarsie, on the midnight train to Georgia. The Nuremberg Race Laws of 1934, partly based on the teachings of Margaret Sanger, another modern American Liberal heroine, had the force of law also.

How do you square that with your Easter Duty?




Kevin Smith

PS-Do you think we could be a “model” for Havana?