September 13, 2015

Mitchell Berger, Esq.

Berger, Singerman

350 Las Olas Blvd

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33316

RE: A menu suggestion for Hillary’s big bucks chow down at your house – Something low-cal for her because she is getting an Oliver Hardy ass.

Mr. Berger,

#1 – I hope for a balmy night because I know that by now you have gotten rid of all you’re A/Cs because of the environmental carnage caused by burning coal to power them. Every degree below 72 kills one polar bear.

#2 – Your last big bucks dinner, the one for Tom Steyer, the dirty coal mining hedge fund manager who was a high school classmate of your wife, was vegan. May I suggest a change of menu? Not vegan but at least 100% organic.

I have quite a few manatee traps. The ideal catch is a pregnant cow. Then a partial birth abortion is induced [that way the placenta and the amniotic fluid are preserved. If any of the butchers at the Planned Parenthood abattoir are looking for some part-time work have them call me.

I will provide you with at least 100 pounds of perfectly filleted, surgically sliced manatee sushi. You can tell the squeamish that it is either darkened white fish or lightened lox.

It’s the least I can do to promote hands across the aisle, non-partisan civility. You should try it sometime. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It’s as if you have calmed the seas and cooled the planet.

October 2^nd, the date of your dinner for Hillary, might be the ideal time to announce that your firm will no longer handle any side of a real estate transaction on or near the water. 

It would be the right thing to do.

Somebody has to stand up for the polar bears, right?

Why not you?

Forgive me if I have asked this question before. If I have I know you haven’t answered it. 

Did your children attend public school or private school? I know the closest that Chelsea Clinton got to a public school was when the Secret Service drove her past one 

on the way to her ultra-posh lycee.

One more thing.

It will be difficult what with trying to steal your hot stove while she gets her IV line of crème Brule dripping but try to find out the name of her commodity broker. I can’t find Red Bone anywhere. 

Kevin Smith

PS -  Should Hillary falter, should the ankle biting “little dogs” bring her down, you will have to turn to Curley Biden, he of the chia-pet hair and the ivory teeth, as your savior. Modern American Liberals loooooove blue collar guys. Curley’s blue collars were from Brooks Brothers and Ralph Lauren. I call him Curley in honor of the smartest stooge. His classmates at his super exclusive, single sex, unbelievably expensive prep school used to call him “Cheese Dick”. Call him that. He loves it. Plus, don’t ask him anything about credit card companies domiciled in Delaware. The real world of mAL politicians suggests that he probably has some unopened fat white envelopes underneath the hearth in the modest beach house. That’s the house with the moat, the drawbridge, the trout stream, and the ski jump.