September 21, 2015

Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

10100 Pembroke Pines Blvd.

Pembroke Pines, FL 33026

RE: Better late than never – Happy Anniversary!

Dearest Darling Debbie, Debbie,

So busy was I trying to avoid the death clutches of the stealthily sinister ObamaCare Death Panels that I forgot to remind you of our anniversary. Please forgive me.

It was September 18, 2001 when Agent Thomas and Agent Mineva, bot stalwart members of the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, men with badges, guns, and the full majesty of the law, came to my house to “discuss” something that either I wrote to you or about you.

For a person who claims to have 2 degrees from the University of Florida in, would you believe it, Political Science, it was a lesson writ large of the moral and political bankruptcy without which card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberals, with you being the paradigmatic template, could not exist. 

I ended my note to you with the following tease:

“Congress shall make no law…”

They are the opening words of the First Amendment. Anyone who claims to be liberal, anyone who wants “a thousand flowers to bloom”, anyone who claims to have 2 degrees in Political Science, should have those words tattooed on the inside of their eyelids so it is the last thing they see before sleep and the first thing they see in the morning as they go about the Lord’s work. 

I quoted a DWEM, a Dead White European Male, a man whose name and History would have been impossible for a Political Science major not to have been on intellectually intimate terms.

“Free men speak with free tongues”

Alas, but true to form for a public mAL, the lesson still has not been learned. Just as you could not tolerate dissent then your conduct as the head viper/vixen of the Democratic Party now says that you will, let no one interfere with Hecate Hillary and her road to the crown. 

As an aside, I think it is great sport and fabulous theatre when political parties piss on each other’s legs. May I suggest that as a distraction from keeping Sanders, O’Malley, and Webb – maybe Curley Biden, God willing – from getting national TV exposure you invite a prominent Muslim to give the invocation at the debate? Several Republicans have said the Muslims would not make an ideal President. Why not have Minister Louie Farrakhan invoke Allah’s blessings on the candidates? Just give it some thought. OK?

Here’s another big idea I want to share with you.

Should Hillary win the nomination why not push for Kareem Abdul Jabbar, nee Lew Alcindor, to be the Vice Presidential candidate? Just have him denounce defenestrating homosexuals, cliteroidectomies, stoning women taken in adultery, beheading Jewish journalists, kidnapping hundreds of 13 year old girls and selling them as sex slaves, crucifying Christians, blowing up 20 century old statues of Buddha, and last but certainly not least, flying jets into office buildings.

A small price to pay for being one heart beat from the Oval Office, no?

Could you, as the head shill for the Democratic Party, clear up some things for me?

I knew a cashiered US Navy officer back in the early ‘70s. He was sacked for cause. He had just docked a nuclear submarine without battening down all the hatches. That was how he became known as “Open Hatch Jack”. The process for getting the water out of the submarine is officially known as “dewatering”.  

I mention this because 10 days ago President Obama said that Russian military deployments in Syria “were doomed to fail”. Among other things that the Russians have deployed since then are supersonic Sukhoi fighters. As far as is known ISIS does not have an air force. A Pentagon spokesperson called these jets “mechanisms for deconfliction”.

Where is Mencken or Orwell now that we need him? For that matter, where is Professor Irwin Corey?

“Dewatering” and “deconfliction” are bad enough but now comes “delimbing”.

The faceless ObamaCare bureaucrats have decided that one quick way to save money was to drastically restrict the use of prosthetic devices. Things like titanium hips, titanium knees, and inorganic limbs are on the hit list. So much for Peg Leg Pete making it to Dancing With The Stars. I imagine the suicide rate for artificially limbed veterans who are Fred Astaire wanabees is approaching epidemic status. 

Wazupwidat?

Autumn comes late this year. Will it be enough of a grace period to be able to announce that the Summer of Recovery has finally come? Or will it be like the last 7 summers where we sit on a bench awaiting it like it was friggin’ Godot?

I suggest that if you are thinking of going to the private sector, a place where you have never been, that you consider a movie career. Your husband’s bank can finance a re-make of Rikki-Tikki-Tavi. 

It is not possible to imagine Rhett Butler being played by anyone other than Clark Gable. There is no one better suited to play Nagaina, the Queen Cobra than you. You were born for the role. I smell Oscar. 

Now that your pal is in the White House can I expect a surprise visit from Seal Team 6 to “discuss” my writings?

Breaking News!

Thanks for your vote to OK the Iran Nuclear Treaty…or at least that’s what Putin said to Netanyahu as they met in the Kremlin. As Curley Biden has said, “This is a big fucking deal”. Do you think so?

Kevin Smith

PS – I sent you a note a while back when your knickers were knotted about the difference between a modern American Liberal and a Socialist. You fell into a fumfering fit not equaled since you realized that “shovel ready jobs” were not really shovel ready and that Cash for Clunkers was about a popular as a fart in church. [Could I say “about as popular as a ham sandwich at a Jewish picnic” and not be accused of anti-Semitism? I can? Thank you.] The good news from England is that the new leader of the Labor Party is a Socialist. He thinks the Ayrabs are good guys and the Jews are the bane of the world. He wants to regulate the banks, the tides, full moons, and picking one’s nose. Compared to him Bernie Sanders sounds like he works for the Koch Brothers. Just kidding, just kidding.