November 4, 2017

Mitchell Berger, Esq.

Berger Singerman

350 Las Olas Blvd

Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: What’s a guy supposed to believe?

Mitchie,

I hate to bring bad news but did you know that “tofu comes from organic whale snot”? I say that because when you had dumber than a box of hammers, former VP Alpha Gump, over for dinner last week. your wife probably had tofu on the menu. [I hope she didn’t have carrots or broccoli because they were the original success stories on modifying, in a most profoundly genetic way, food. But you knew that, didn’t you?]

But that; not why I write. 

The ozone layer is closing.

Did you know that VP Alpha Gump had a unique Secret Service handle? “Cementhead” says it all., doesn’t it? “Angler” was Cheney’s because he liked to fish. “Curley” was Biden’s name because he reminded everyone of the smartest Stooge.

But enough of this idle chit-chat

I remember the head Gumpster telling the United States Senate in 1991 that we were all going to die horribly because the ozone layer was collapsing. The reason was simple: the rise of SUVs and the promiscuous use of aggressive air conditioning, with the non-vegan death of baby seals by meat eating polar bears being collateral damage.

26 years later and I still don’t know why we got that reprieve. Did he say what this year’s “scientific consensus”, like the trolls at Delphi or the grifters at a traveling circus, is telling us? Caesar dixit, eh?

Confusion, “like a wine dark sea”, is sweeping over me. Do I still need sun screen 45, or are you all just full of shit? That’s the consensus over here.

Get back to me, OK?

Kevin Smith