January 3, 2008 Letter to Stephen Goldstein

January 3, 2008

Special Correspondent Steven L. Goldstein

The Sun-Sentinel

200East Las Olas Boulevard

Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: Addenda [That’s Latin] – Still more bad things in 2008 for which the Republicans must be blamed.

My dear Professor,

Since yesterday more proof of the evil actions of those cursed Republicans has come to light. Duty dictates that I add them to the list of never ending Jeremiads that you have identified so far in 2008.

#1 – The exploding volcano in Chile was caused by the Republican Party. After signing the Kyoto Accord Newt Gingrich, The Weekly Standard, and nasty rich guys convinced Monica Lewinsky to make a bee line for the Oval Office. There she – how to say this delicately – distracted, that’s the word, President Handsome Billy from Hot Springs. Big Bill sent Hillary to Kosovo where Evil Cheney waited with Stinger missiles left over the Iran-Contra affair. Alas, the best laid plans….”best laid”….forgive me but I couldn’t resist….went astray. Anyway the treaty was never submitted to the Senate as the Constitution requires. Kyoto was never ratified. The planet is very close to charbroiling. The polar bears and drowning. Now the volcano in Chile is spouting lava. Doubtless, it is part punishment for Pinochet but evil forces are afoot. The “smoking gun” leads right back to Eisenhower.

I am close to uncovering how Barbara Bush made Mount Saint Helen’s blow its top when Carter was President. Obviously he would have reelected, and not just by a landslide but probably unanimously, save for a successful GOP plot.

#2 – The 300 [and climbing] Kenyans were killed because of the tax cuts. First Reagan and then Bush 43. The rich getting richer in America caused such grief in East Africa that the idyllic and irenic impulses of Kwanzaa were overcome by the turmoil of conspicuous consumption in America. Even the Masai know that the reverse Robin Hood policies of the Bush years can only be addressed by violence.

Why they kill each is still a mystery but I am sure Fox News is somehow involved.

#3 – Oil is at $110 a barrel because Exxon-Mobil installed the world’s largest stealth air conditioner in Florida 3 days ago. Borrowing the technology of the B1, the B2, and the F-117 jets a 3 trillion, 478 billion, 735 million BTU air conditioner is somewhere South of Lake Okeechobee. There it is, despite melting icebergs and penguins dying from heat stroke all over the world, freezing the collective asses of everybody in Florida. The Brass Monkey that I keep to remind me of my nautical background has lost all its balls. The reason for this is simple.

The people who have come from all over to see this year’s Orange Bowl will return home saying “Forget all the claptrap about Global Warming. Do you know how cold it was in Florida? We had to go to Winona, Minnesota to warm up.”

Your task is to make the people, and sometimes they are so easily led by really bad people, realize that the only way to save themselves, are to follow the lead of really smart people, people like you. Once they do that they’ll all be farting through silk.

You go, guy!

PS – I must tell you that all the facts shown above were gotten after waterboarding five GOP operatives. That they were gun-totin’, snake handling, red neck homophobes didn’t make the task easier but it sure as Hell made it more enjoyable. As soon as made them wear camisoles and eye liner they gave up Senator Craig.