Letter to Stacy Ritter

January 6, 2008

Vice Mayor of Vice Stacy Ritter

Broward County Commission

116 South Andrews Avenue

Fort Lauderdale, Florida 33301

RE: “Some people just never let you down.” Some comments on your radio show yesterday.

My dear vice Mayor,

It’s been a while.

“Stones are hard, water is wet, objects unsupported fall towards the earth’s center.” Some things never, never change. You, for example.

Vapid? Vacuous? As Homer Simpson, the noted political sage and pundit says, “Don’t make me choose!”

There I was driving along in my gas-guzzling SUV, trying to make my carbon footprint equal to Sasquatch, thinking good thoughts about WAL*MART, praying for the continued success of Bush’s “surge” [Remember Sherman’s? It freed the slaves. You don’t have a problem with that, do you?], trying to get manatees on the Teri Schiavo fast track, trying to figure out where I can buy inorganic vegetables, sobbing quietly over the problem of teenage obesity AND the heartbreak of psoriasis, railing at the FCATs, when I heard your voice on the radio.

I didn’t know that Senator Bahama or Salama or whatever Ted “Big Tosspot” Kennedy, AKA Senator Lard called him could A- Walk on water B- Make the lame walk C- Make people from Quebec nice and D – Do all the above while fixing the energy crisis, the tax crisis, the drug crisis and, hopefully, raise audacity to an art form before breakfast, a breakfast in which beer and pizza are no longer part of the basic food groups. Plus, he’ll make us sing better, right?

More importantly, do your employers, the people of Broward County, know that you are away from your job? Do they know that you are engaged in partisan politics? Did you take some vacation days? Did you take an unpaid leave of absence? If you are still on the payroll would it be true to say that you are taking money under false pretenses? Considering the general ethical tone of the scroyles and poltroons who make up the Broward County Board of Commissioners you are right on target for the Hall of Fame.

Thanks for telling me about your candidate. Also, thanks for telling me it’s cold in New Hampshire in January. Does that mean that Global Warming is over?

Does that mean you will be supporting Hillary for National Poster Girl for Abused and Publicly Humiliated Wives?

Correct me if I am wrong but Senator Mogambo Ottumwa has a foreign policy that says it’s OK to talk to the head Gomer in North Korea, it’s OK to talk to the head WOG in Iran, and that it’s OK to talk to his father’s cousin [by marriage] Ujamma Ben Lader in some cave in Kafiristan. His domestic policy is predicated on raising taxes and NOT talking to FOX NEWS. That’s about it, isn’t it?

Modern American Liberals, particularly those who are elected, people like you, are blessed in many ways. For example, the fact that you never let facts interfere with an argument is something that is priceless to any public servant. That, plus the fact that some secular G-d has blessed you with a short memory, enables you to proclaim, proudly, that plaid is your favorite color.

The question of “unincorporated areas” is alien territory to anyone not from Florida. Cities grew up around them. Basic services, police, fire, garbage, were provided on a helter-skelter basis. I realized that it was shorthand for where Black folk live. It was the Broward County version of Soweto. Since they had no elected officials to whom they could complain they were ignored. Since members of the “vast Right-Wing conspiracy” are not allowed to spend the night in Broward County it was all home grown. At least you stopped short of pass laws.

The Florida legislature passed a bill that the Governor signed. That made it the law of the land. It said that all unincorporated areas had to be incorporated by date certain. If voluntary compliance was not forthcoming the state would assign unincorporated areas to the nearest city.

The Broward county legislative delegation, which in a moment of high humor made you its spokeschick. did contortions worthy of the occupants of Dante’s lower circles. [Dante is an Italian poet]. All the good parts put themselves up for bid. All the bad parts were ignored like they had AIDS.

The good parts were all White. The bad parts were all Black.

Broward County is so modern American Liberal that it would vote for Dr. Mengele because of his progressive views on abortion. Broward County voted to tax itself extra for the children. Its concern for aging greyhounds and pregnant pigs is legendary. With the exception of Zabar’s on a Sunday morning, Barbra Streisand’s dinner table, and the 14 remaining “barking mad” listeners of the Keith Olberman raree there is no more mAL place in America.

Except for Black folk living too close.

You did a great job preventing that from happening.

Modern American Liberals don’t care how big Black folk get as long as they don’t get too close.

You did your job so well that your radio show told me that you were in New Hampshire trying to elect the junior Senator from Illinois.

He can live in the White House. That’s in Washington, DC. He can live in Camp David. That’s in Maryland. He can live in Camp Gitmo. That’s in Cuba. He can live anywhere he wants as long as it is not in Broward County. The comments from Imus about “nappy headed hos” were honest. You and your fellow coven members lacked even that saving grace.

Hypocrite. In your case, a cementheaded hypocrite.

You may want to do some research on what Dante has in store for you.