Carl Hiaasen, The Miami Herald

March 16, 2008

Carl Hiaasen

The Miami Herald

One Herald Plaza

Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: Call me Sisyphus and let me tell you that shoving that rock is getting to be quite a pain in the ass. – Yet again a short note on the “crisis” facing the Democrat Party and as the late progressive social activist, Lenin, said in a delightful little tract “What is to be Done”.

Mr. Hiaasen.

Maybe it’s time to take the two by four to the mule. You can’t reason with him until you get his attention. Listen up.

#1 – Wounds such as these are always self inflicted

#2 – There is no #2. There is only #1.

My political DNA is impeccable.

I was born and raised an Irish Catholic in Bayonne, New Jersey. I was genetically inclined to the Democrat party or, as they said in Hudson County, “Row A All the Way”. Row A was the slot that the Party had from 1916 to 1978. The only other entity with a better record is the Israeli Air Force. Bayonne is at the good end of Hudson County. I had the privilege of seeing the Democrat party up close and personal in my impressionable years.

Street crime was below the national average. Perhaps the Hudson County Police, the Hudson County Park Police, and the Hudson County Boulevard Police had a hand in this. Don’t ask. Each town, including East Newark, a town the size of small WAL*MART, had its own police force.

The County Jail was known as the Taj Mahal.

The installation of self service elevators at the new Court House did not cost one elevator operator his job.

The undertaker who had the contract for burying the poor used to put at least two stiffs into the same coffin. Yes, he did bill for 2 funerals and 2 coffins.

Casement windows at a new school cost $950 each. Installation was extra. Wastebaskets cost $85. The year was 1959.

Hot stoves and the pennies on a dead man’s eyes were fair game.

Yet there was a moral clarity there that is not here. Hinnisy, the Publican, covered it nicely. “I seen me opportunities and I took’em.”

I got to Florida and the chief local political sport is “pissing on my back and telling me it’s rain”.

The Democrat Party in Broward County consists of modern American Liberals who will fight to the death for aging greyhounds and drowning polar bears. They would vote for Dr. Mengele because of his progressive position on abortion. The Terri Schiavo reverse tontine solution for crowded nursing homes is on the not too distant horizon. We shall shortly see manatee suffrage on the ballot. Homeless shelters are built on toxic waste dumps, such dumps not being found in Weston, Lighthouse Point, or Las Olas. The only way a Republican got on the County Commission was when a Democrat member went to jail and he was appointed by a Republican Governor. The Democrats in Broward County tried for 4 years to give a hotel to a Black man. That he didn’t have the good sense to say “Yes” was taken as a black mark against them.

Why should the National Democrat Party be any different?

After the first Gulf War the general in charge of the British forces in theatre said of Schwarzkopf, “He was the man for the match”.

Say hello to Howard Dean, MD.

Bad enough that he suffers from terminal “non-malodorous fecal matter syndrome” [??s – Send a SASE] but he has his head so far up his ass he could remove his own tonsils from the inside.

The cause of the problem is easy to detect.

The Democrats don’t trust the people. Worse, they don’t trust their own people.

The reason for the creation of SUPER DELEGATES was simple. They were there to correct any mistakes the people in the cheap seats made when they voted.

I paid dues to two unions neither of which was a sissy union like the Teachers or the Welfare Check Dispensers. Why is their vote worth more than the working stiff who is exploited by WAL*MART? Modern American Liberals send their kids to private schools [Kennedys, Clintons, Gores, Obamas, inter alia] Why should a teacher union SUPER DELEGATE have a vote that is worth more the vote of a parent who puts her kids on the yellow public school bus in the AM?

I paraphrase James Madison, a name as anathema to modern American Liberals as holy water would be to Dracula, when he says “I am unable to lay my finger on that provision of the Constitution that says”…New Hampshire gets to vote first.

Have you been to New Hampshire in January? No one would go there unless they wanted to live in the White House.

Howard Dean, MD – and I know a Broward proctologist who would like to extract any colonic polyps Dean might have with an environmentally sensitive weed whacker and a 9 pound Oreck – issues a ukase commanding the tide to stop. It didn’t.

As that revered political sage, Oliver Hardy, said to his faithful companion, Stan Laurel, “Well here’s another fine mess you’ve gotten us into.”

This is a Spanish language friendly place. I search in vain for the Spanish translation for schadenfreude. “Joy at the travails of others.” This is not the death of a child. This is not one of those terrible plane accidents.

This was caused by adults who knew that they knew better than the people they were supposed to serve.

Now they are acting like 6 ruttingly rabid badgers meeting up with 6 wolverines with tooth aches. They are stuck in a broom closet and they are on national TV. Who cares if the writers stay on strike forever?

Soon, Archie Bunker and Bull Connor will endorse Hecate Hillary. OJ, Idi Amin, and Michael Jackson are waiting in the wings for the nod from Senator B. Hussein Obama.

Can it get much better than this?

Isn’t Governor Spitzer, he of the wandering one-eyed trouser snake with an appetite for $5,000 hookers, a SUPER DELEGATE?

Yes and Yes.