Representative Dan Gelber

March 6, 2008

Representative Dan Gelber

1920 Meridian Avenue

Miami, Florida 33135-1818

RE: I know that my redeemer liveth because my cup runneth over. The Hollywood writers should go back on strike because truth is stranger and funnier than fiction when it involves the contortions of modern American Liberals – South Florida coven.

Representative Gelber,

I am reluctant to say it can’t get any better but since I revel in the lunacies, both large and small, of modern American Liberals who occupy South Florida I say…There’s No Business Like Show Business subtitled Send In The Clowns.

The specifics are below.

#1 – Should the votes in the Florida primary count? – Like Madison, I am “unable to lay my finger on that part of the Constitution that says” New Hampshire gets to go first. The place is barley tolerable in the early fall. Who the Hell would go there voluntarily in January unless they were made to do so every 4 years? Like fish on Friday was a Papal accommodation to Iberian fishermen I am sure the fix was put in by Granite State hotel keepers and restaurant owners.

In deference to the ukase of the Democratic National Committee Hillary the Hecate, in her good days perhaps harridan would better describe her, pledged not to campaign in Florida. She shows up in Florida three days before the election at a fundraiser in Coral Springs. She took parsing lessons from her bottom line guy, Big Bill from Hot Springs, AKA “The King of the Oval Office Trouser Snakes”. She says from a handy balcony a la Evita, “I did not campaign in that state…Florida”. That rhyming scheme sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

Close your eyes and she reminds you of Nixon. Smart, perhaps too smart by half, methodical, complicated, and, yes, she will kick you when you are up or when you are down as Senator B. Hussein Obama is about to find out. Plus, she and the old Trickster share one common trait. Either they both were born absent the likability gene or they had it Lasered out of them. Either way when they smile cream curdles. She’s the main reason the aforementioned Senator B. Hussein Obama is so popular. She could make OJ and Michael Jackson popular. The only way Saturday Night Live could have made her popular would have been if the audience were given hatchets and were told that she was Lizzie Borden’s mother.

Today, in the Sun-Sentinel, fellow modern American Liberal Michael Mayo, he of the perpetually sanguinary brow, tells us of the high dudgeon of one Barbara Effman of Sunrise for being “disenfranchised” by the Democratic National Committee. Although he doesn’t tell us it is beyond doubt that she is a Hillary supporter. Both were publicly humiliated by their husbands. Hillary had the added anguish of the national TV reptiles examining her and husband the way a surgeon examines a lump. Barbara Effman only had local coverage. Her husband was a noted divorce lawyer. When he would read his briefs to his female clients he would suggest that they shed theirs. Once they lost their knickers he gave them lessons in the horizontal tango. As they say, “A slice off a cut loaf is seldom missed”. He then billed them “for services rendered”. Nothing like a deeply penetrating argument to bring certain messy proceedings to a climax. Another example of adhering to the highest standards of the Bar.

No wonder she likes Hillary.

The goal of modern American Liberals is power. To get this they tell their supporters else wise. They know that “any public policy that robs Peter to pay Paul will always have Paul’s support “. The people who support them do really believe that all lunches should be free and that money from home, ‘free’ money from home, is a basic Right and ought to be writ large in the Constitution.

Despite cries of “Taxes are too low” and “Profits are too high” the big shots of the Democratic Party were loath to flesh out “Power to the People” to the people. They created SUPER DELEGATES to shape the will of the people. They created SUPER DELEGATES because sometimes the people don’t do what they should do. Surely the thing would be wrapped up by the time the convention came around. Nut cutting time would be a day at the beach.

Like I said it couldn’t get any better.

What should we do about Florida and Michigan?

Easy.

Affirmative Action. Goals, not quotas. “Mend it, don’t end it.” A leg up rather than a hand out. Level the playing field. Maybe you should let Jimmy Carter pick the nominee.

Go to it guys. The whole world is watching. Will Pudenda Power trump Black Power? How good is this going to be?

#2 – Anti-Semitism is down. How do you suppose Bush did that?

#3 – Schools – One of my favorite movie scenes is when Jimmy Durante is tip-toeing out of a circus tent. He is holding one end of a very long piece of rope. The other end is tied around the neck of a very large elephant. He is inches away form a clean getaway when a policeman says, “Where are you going with that elephant?” Durante looks around and says. “Elephant? What elephant?”

Rudy Crew, who gives tangible proof to the song “If You Can’t Make It in New York You Can Still Make It In Miami” was at Edison High School last night and said “Elephant? What elephant?” He stood in front of students, parents, and teachers and said he was proud of the 10^th grade achievement in lowering cholesterol, of the building not burning down so far this year, and that “felonies are within the acceptable level”.

“What elephant?”

Two days ago there was a bit of a dustup at Miami Edison High School. The police handcuffed 24 revolting students. The reason for the protest was that the students decided that they didn’t want the Vice Principal that they had. They had a food fight like Animal House and they went outside and blocked traffic. Perhaps the police overreacted. Perhaps not.

On one h and I would be in a revolting mood also. At some point in their mid teens these kids realize that they have been had. 2 years from graduation and they know that they don’t know. Further, they know that most of the teachers don’t know either. The FCATs reflect this. The educational/poverty complex reacts as they always do. Break the mirror and yell for more money. Always include racism in the mix.

You are very proud that your daughters are going to the same public grammar school that you did.

Try to guess where I am going here.

I don’t think it would be audacious of me to hope that should Senator Barack Obama, AKA “Bambi”, and his charming wife Michelle the Whiner find themselves in the White House that their 2 daughters will attend one of the really fine public grammar schools in Washington, DC. The litmus test for modern American Liberals when it comes to education is money spent per pupil. That’s why the District of Columbia, with spending approaching $23,000 per pupil, has the phenomenal reputation that it has.

I can’t imagine why the Clintons and the Gores chose to send their children to private schools particularly when they were tenants in public housing who never paid nay rent. Maybe they were “special needs” students. Hey! Who knows?

You can do your part for public education by pledging here and now and absolutely in public that your daughters will go to Miami Edison High School. Busing worked in Boston, didn’t it? I am sure your daughters will be the better for it. The goal of education, or so I am told by modern American Liberals, is increased self esteem. What better way for your daughters to realize their full potential than be spending cross cultural sleepovers in Liberty City? I am sure the charming Mrs. Gelber will go along with this plan for her children. After all, it’s for the children.

It seems that Hugo Chavez, the good friend of a lot of House Democrats, wants to start a war with Columbia. Wars are not good. We all know that. Why not get the two leading Democrats to send some of their friends down there to stop it? Bambi can send Louie Farakhan. Hillary can send Norman Hsu. Maybe Jane Fonda.

That will show how serious Democrats are.

Thanks for listening. I hope to see all of you mud wrestling over who gets to vote at the convention. Ideally, Bambi and the Hecuba will act like rabid wolverines fighting over a baby lamb.

Maybe former Vice President Alpha Gump will step in. Maybe Toper Ted, AKA Senator Lard of Chappaquiddick glory, will step up. Here’s hoping it’s a long, very long, hot, very hot summer.