Assemblyman Anthony Portantino

February 28, 2010

Assemblyman Anthony Portantino
215 N. Marengo Avenue #115
Pasadena, CA 91109

RE: God damn those foul mouth bastards wherever they are and good on you for trying to outlaw those vile execrators who are among us.

Assemblyman Portantino,

I read about your crusade against cursing and I thought that I should sign up. I went to your website and I was so proud to learn that you are a Jersey guy. I am from Bayonne with summer stops in Sea Bright and Monmouth Beach. Maybe we met at Gardella’s or Max’s. Is the Lavender Bull still on Route 34? How about Lynch’s or the Osprey? But I digress.

As soon as I read your website I wrote to the President. I told him that the next time he goes to California he can’t bring Rahm Emanuel. Whatever else Lord Barack the Beneficent and blessed be his name he ain’t no fucking retard. If Air Force One heads to LA potty mouth Rahm will have his foot nailed to the floor in the White House mess.

For your next step I would like you to bring back the lost are of Bowlderization.

There are a few things in the Bible that have got to be…to be…shaped differently.

It’s bad enough that David had the hots for Batsheba but did he have to send her husband on a Kamikaze mission so he could get a leg over on her?

You’re a goombah so this might hurt a bit. There are parts of La Commedia that shouldn’t be read at the dinner table. Get to work on them.

Shakespeare has quite a few randy knickers episodes. It’s bad enough that Hamlet has more couplings than a busy night at a good French Knocking Shop. He has a final scene that is a prequel to Texas Chain Saw Massacre as if it were directed by Freddy from Elm Street. Is that really needed?

After the moody Prince has his way with the under aged Ophelia he discards her like the bruised and battered strumpet she has become. He then tells her to get to a “nunnery”. We all know what “nunnery” means, don’t we? That gets the blue pencil.

Since your plate is quite full I won’t detain you.

Didn’t the Red Queen – I can still say Queen, can’t I? – say, “Those words mean exactly what I want them to mean”?


Kevin Smith

PS – I saw a picture of you walking with Governor BlackBlack. I know he’s a short timer but Jeezus Haitch Keerist can’t you get him to do something about his name? Also, you look like you are about to sponsor legislation making spaghetti carbonara and tiramisu a required food group. YOU PROBABLY SHOULD STOP IVING ZABAGLIONE.