Margaret Carlson Bloomberg News

February 19, 2010

Margaret Carlson
Bloomberg News
1399 New York Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20005

RE: Vaya con Dios

Ms. Carlson,

I was reading your not so fond farewell to Senator Evan Bayh when I tripped on two disguised gems.

You say that “young Bayh was schooled at St. Alban’s”.

That sits out there like a 3 day old latke. OK. OK. It’s Lent. A 3 day old zeppole.

What was wrong with the public school system in Washington when Bayh was a lad? Bad teachers? Bad principals? Bad administrators? “Young Bayh” was 12 years old – the mid ‘60s, no? – when his parents sent him to private school. Without first hand knowledge I think the problems that were there 45 years ago are still there. Could that be the reason that the Obama children are not in the public school system in the nation’s capitol?

Here’s an idea to shape them up.

If you are elected to any job in Washington, if your employment is subject to Congressional approval, if you are a Federal employee being paid 6 figures and you have children of school age they must attend public schools in the Washington. No exceptions. None. Further, if you are employed by the Washington public school system in any capacity they must attend a public school there. Any employee of the Department of Education whose children attend any private school at any below college level shall be flogged on the steps of the capitol.

Johnny just won’t be reading well he’ll be winning Nobel Prizes by his junior year.

Nothing else has worked. Why not try this?

Let us stipulate that former Vice President Quayle couldn’t spell potato. Do you think he knew that FDR wasn’t President in 1929? I call Vice President Biden “Curley” in honor of the smartest stooge. He is the consummate public horse’s ass.

Speaking of “bright light” Vice Presidents how about Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.? His Secret Service call sign was “Cementhead”. His wife, the charming and gracious Thumper Gump, in those connubial magic moments, calls him Alpha. If he were standing in a mirror lined phone booth with one his handlers shouting instructions he couldn’t find his ass using both hands. STOP THE PRESSES! Wasn’t he “schooled at St. Alban’s”?

That he was able to con rational adults into depleting ozone layer mode and drowning polar bear syndrome would suggest that a majority of Americans were also “schooled at St. Alban’s”. Soon his name will appear under the heading of updated Tulip scams, “Is Ponzi really dead?”, and I hope that I get some change back.

I am going to spend part of the last spring we will have before perpetual Global Warming – It will be here just after Easter, right? – driving my gas guzzling SUV in search of my literary Holy Grail. Drowning polar bears be damned but I hope I don’t have to go to all 57 or 58 states to find the rarest of the rare. I want to read from a first edition of the Austrian-English dictionary. Before I am sent to the gallows for not buying health insurance I want to see what the Austrian term for Boob Vice President is.

Tell Tucker, a son whom you must be very proud of, to go back to his four-in-hands.

My hunt for tax dodging GIs living in Florida goes on as per your instructions. Tell me again if I should search the VA hospitals. I don’t think too may of them could be hiding there but you never know. If any of them are tea drinkers should I tell Janet Napolitano?





Kevin Smith