Carl Hiaasen The Miami Herald

February 21, 2010

Carl Hiaasen
The Miami Herald
One Herald Plaza
Miami, Florida 33132-1693

RE: Modern American Liberals versus Free Speech – Thank you for making it so clear in this morning’s Miami Herald

Mr. Hiaasen,

Two more victims of Global Warming or Climate Change or whatever it will be called when the cabal of snake oil salesman gathers for their monthly IV of hope, change, and willing suspension of disbelief are the much dreaded “slippery slope” and the greatly feared “chilling effect”. Those are two of the more useful epithets reserved for someone’s prissy maiden lady aunt who says that interspecies copulation shouldn’t be part of a middle school curriculum. The silent guardians of our rights, the elusive “penumbras” and the wily, hard to pin down “emanations” will be made to stand down.

Your Jeremiad about the recent Supreme Court decision strengthening the First Amendment – that’s the one just before the Second Amendment which I know is on your hit list. It’s also the one that affirms in readable English the right of hated “special interests” to lobby their elected officials. You should read it sometime – contains a hidden gem.

You say that the “unelected” members of the Court, who voted to undo the work of Pitchfork Ben Tillman, and let me tell you that he wasn’t exactly a walk on the beach, don’t have to curry favor with the voters. You say that a majority of the American public is in favor of the ban on institutional dollars being invested in political campaigns.

Since you brought it up would it be fair to say that if the Warren Court had to stand for election after the Brown v Board of Education vote 7 of them would have back in private practice right quick? You brought it up; I didn’t. [I am certain that Justice Black and would it be mean spirited of me to say former Klan Kleagle Justice Black and Justice Brennan would have won overwhelmingly. Black from Alabama and Brennan from New Jersey would have had well oiled machines combing the cemeteries to insure a landslide for both]

As we enter the holy season of Lent I must thank you for discovering the elusive Fifth Gospel. Snark-like in its ability to confuse pursuers you stuck your hand down the rabbit hole and pulled it up for mortal man to see. The new Gospel is the one according to Carl. Czar Carl will review all the relevant documents and, more importantly, the intentions of the petitioners, and then give us a thumbs up or thumbs down.

He tells us that while it is OK to drill off the coast of Texas, off the coast of Louisiana, off the coast of Mississippi, off the coast of Alabama, and off the coast of Cuba [qui tacet consentit, no?] there shall be no drilling close to Apalachicola. Since the sovereign nation of the Bahamas has not yet decided to drill off their territory there is no need for him to render judgment. That he will there can be no doubt. What is the sense of being an Evangelist unless you evangelize?

Further, Czar Carl has ruled that anyone daring to speak otherwise shall have his lips Gorilla Glued shut and then wrapped in Duck Tape. If that doesn’t work there is always Gitmo where he will be fitted with his own IED. Guess whose finger is on the RESET button?

20% of the electricity generated in this country comes from oil or gas pumped out of the Gulf. As a man of principle you hit the off switch on your generator for about 6 days a month, don’t you?

If receiving money from a corporation makes a candidate a “stooge” may we say that a candidate receiving money from a union is a thug?

Alas but we are at the nexus of Logic and Rhetoric where rights collide. That conflict is now in its 26th century of debate. It’s what free men do.

You write as if political debate, something that “ain’t beanbag”, something with sharp elbows and low blows, something that we still don’t send people to Lubyanka for, began in 2008.

It didn’t.

No campaign in American History has been equal to the vitriol and billingsgate of the campaign of 1800. The only one even close is 1876. It is well to note it was Jefferson versus the incumbent Adams in 1800. It was the worst, most vicious campaign ever. They did it without a 24 hour news cycle. They did it without Fox News pissing off every mAL in America. They did it without electricity. Two giants of American History went at it with hatchets. That they would have used nuclear weapons if they were available is a given.

The cure for nasty political speech is found in the ballot box. Maybe Massachusetts can teach us something new again.

When was the last time you heard a serious adult use the term “shovel ready”? Didn’t 3 Presidents in the last century promise to keep Americans out of foreign wars?

The Republic survived. It prospered, and like Faulkner said, “It prevailed”.

Quis custodes custodiet?

You?

Daniel Webster is said to come back from across the river to see how things are.
“Neighbor, how stands the Republic?” is his constant question. The answer he seeks is “Iron bottomed and copper sheathed.”

Your ship is neither.


Kevin Smith