Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

January 17, 2012

Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
118 Cannon House Office Building
Washington, D.C. 20515

RE: Like Alexander, you have no more worlds to conquer

Dear Dearest Debbie, Debbie,

It took you 20 days 2011 to make yourself both a HORSE’S ASS and a SMARMY BASTARD.

It took you just 8 days in 2012 to earn Oak Leaf clusters on your HORSE’S ASS award and your SMARMY BASTARD laurels.

At this rate you’ll earn you’ll earn your 3rd consecutive HORSE’S ASS award and, more importantly, your 3rd consecutive SMARMY BASTARD cup at the coin toss for next year’s Rose Bowl.

I feel comfortable in saying that no one will either tie or break this record, particularly since I am in charge of the awards. The only winning streak you may not approach is the one held by the Israeli Air Force over the pant-loaded dudes who fly for Egypt and Syria.

You proclaimed that Congresswoman Giffords was shot last year because of a toxic political atmosphere created by Rush Limbaugh, the ghost of Richard Milhous Nixon, the infamous Koch Brothers, Right to Lifers, gun nuts, the Chamber of Commerce, and people who believe that the Rosenbergs were as guilty as sin and got off lightly.

This year you said that she was shot because the Tea Party put something in the water that sent “penumbras” and “emanations” into the brain of Jared Loughner commanding him to shoot up the parking lot in Tucson.

Another trait common to all those dodunks who call themselves modern American Liberals is that they never let facts interfere with an argument, particularly if it is buttressed in Sophistry.

If his brain were to be PET-Scanned it would show hunchbacked Tasmanian devils arm wrestling with each other. The winner gets to see how far he can projectile crap through the alleged perpetrator’s eyes without hitting the rug.

The Department of Justice, an agency run by an Attorney General who will make Janet Reno look competent [almost], an Attorney General who, if the Congresswoman were Black, would lead the lynch mob into the lockup, will not prosecute him.

The reasons are simple:

#1 – The alleged perpetrator cannot understand the charges against him.
#2 – The alleged perpetrator cannot assist in his defense.

That precludes prosecution unless your name is Ricky Ray Rector and Big Bill Clinton, the Governor of Arkansas, wants to be President. What better way for a modern American Liberal to prove he is tough on crime than by fricasseeing a Black man.

RRR was a feral criminal who murdered several people including a police officer. In a shootout with Arkansas Smokeys he vowed he would not be taken alive. He shot himself in the head but only succeeded in making himself into a batch of day old greens and hog maws. His post shooting IQ was in the low 50s.

It is obvious that Clinton would have had him disemboweled, drawn and quartered, and then he would have had to endure 60 minutes of a life insurance spiel by the current King of hip-hop rap before being buried alive at the entrance to Whitewater. His focus group drew the line at the insurance session so he had him electrocuted. Like O.J’s never ending search for the real killers I will not rest until I get to the bottom of the rumor that Hillary “Big Bottom” Clinton gave him a lap dance to keep his mind off the fact that his eyeballs were being wired up to Old Sparky.

The Tucson shooter is now in a room that has no inside door knobs. The highlight of his day is when he gets his Thorazine enema. If he has been a good boy his rectal palliative is ribbed, like a French tickler. When the dry ice he is packed in gets changed he seems to purr.

He doesn’t know the Tea Party from Midnight Basketball.

He will not be eligible for a Weekend Furlough unless Wee Mikey Dukakis takes over the program. Speaking of furloughs, how is Willy Horton doing these days

If abortion were retroactive he would end the debate on that tendentious question.

His only chance for a job will be as the abnormal brain in “Young Frankenstein” if
it is remade.

This world class wing nut couldn’t even qualify for a “shovel ready” job assuming there were any “shovel ready” jobs or even “shovels” out there.

In the meantime let me offer my highest congratulations on sweeping the field. Win, place, and show. Gold, silver, and bronze. You can cry like Alexander. You’re almost as good as Ozymandias.

I just remembered.

You were asked a simple question about the economy 6 weeks ago. Is the unemployment rate higher or lower today since Lord Barack the Beneficent was inaugurated? There are only two possible answers.

It is higher or it is lower.

I am giving you a second chance, like Willie Horton.

Higher, si? Lower, no?.





Kevin Smith