Steven L. Goldstein The Sun-Sentinel

January 21, 2012
Steven L. Goldstein
The Sun-Sentinel
200 East Las Olas Boulevard
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Sorry I’m late – Some comments on your plan for a new order in the soon to be perfect world outlined by you in Friday’s Sun-Sentinel. My sub-theme is how modern American Liberals are secret Nazis.

My dear Professor,

I am late getting back to you because my “shovel ready” project is really starting to pay off. I hired some undeserving poor, with particular attention to women and minorities, to dig a whole string of manatee traps. Not only did I pay them an hourly wage but I promised them a share of future profits. Venture capital writ small, no?

My original plan was to herd these useless sea slugs – I know that they are on the dead end evolutionary ladder that Darwin described because the goal of the Alpha male is to swim into a whirling propeller. If it weren’t for sappy Floridians tossing brown lettuce and last month’s endives and arugula, all certified organic, off the bridge these aquatic dullards would have starved decades ago – into one canal and then force them into a 16 foot diameter Cuisinart. Sausage for the homeless. A brilliant win/win solution, or so I thought. My biggest, shrillest opposition came from abortion rights advocates. Go figure.

The sign of a good venture capitalist, one who is steeped in Schumpeter, is the ability to turn on a dime when the market changes.

Who knew, even 2 years ago, that manatee eructations are disproportionately high, by a factor of 6, in carbon dioxide? A single cow would have to weigh 16,000 pounds to equal the carbon dioxide discharge of a single manatee. Lord knows how many icebergs have been melted because of this. Lord knows how many polar bears have drowned. Lord knows how many warm and fuzzy polar bear cubs have been orphaned because of this. Lord knows how many baby seals are going to grow up to kill all the salmon.

In less than 10 years the water all the melting icebergs and the urine from monster seals Guinness Book hourly emptying of their brobdanaglian bladders will cause a tsunami that will make Wichita, KS the new surfing capital of America. The surfing seals will then eat all the corn in Kansas and Iowa. That means we will have no ethanol. That means a gallon of unleaded regular will cost more than Johnny Walker Black.

If Castro can drill off Key West with the tool pushers and rough necks helicoptering into Sloppy Joe’s for wet tee shirt contests we will be forced to drill in Biscayne Bay and the new Marlins Stadium.

My duty was clear.

Kill the manatees lest the people perish
.
I had to go one step further than Margaret Sanger. She advocated abortion and sterilization – both involuntary - to rid mankind of the defects and lesser breeds. Hitler called them untermenschen when he adapted her writings into his Nuremberg Race Laws. Honest. You could look it up.

When I found out that manatee oil was better and cleaner than whale oil for night time illumination now that we are in the twilight of fossil fuels I couldn’t wait. Think of it as an organic Solyndra.

That’s why I couldn’t get to your column until this morning.

As usual I held it up to a mirror hoping to see an image. It’s people like you who give lycanthropy a bad name. I always sprinkle it with holy water. You can never be too sure about Beelzebub, particularly when dealing with modern American Liberals.

I read your last line first.

In essence you say that we will all be farting through silk once we rid DC of those rotten Republicans.

Picture the House with 200 Nancy Pelosis. Picture 200 thugs, keen to stifle dissent, like Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.

“Cement Head” Pelosi said that unemployment benefits are the best job creators. If that is so, would not Logic dictate that the best solution, indeed the quickest fix to our economic malaise – I never thought I thought I would see a worse President than that “clod populist”, Jimmy Carter – would be to put the whole country on the dole, even dead people? The dead have been voting in Hudson County and Cook County for decades. Why not give them a taste? I need a photo ID to get on a plane, rent a car, open a bank account, and so help me, give blood. Somebody should tell Eric Holder.

If someone complains Frau Oberst Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, at heart a brown shirted, hob nail booted Nazi, will silence them. She will send policemen, men with guns, badges, and the majesty of the law, to reason with them, just like she did with me. There was even a good cop/bad cop routine. FDLE Agent Thomas was the good cop. FDLE Agent Mineva was the bad cop. You would think that anyone who claims to have two degrees in Political Science like Dieter, oops, Debbie, Debbie would know that the adage “free men speak with free tongues” is as good today as it was 25 centuries ago.

She will implement carbon regulation by “suggesting” that women surrender their diamonds. Do I have to remind you that diamonds are 100% carbon?

Helping poor people, “victims of life’s circumstances”, especially women and minorities, empower themselves makes me feel special. I can’t wait for these people to become part of the 1%.

Meanwhile you have to stop those “Rainbow Soup” IVs. Alas, it’s time for the “Balloon Juice” enemas to stop. I know that your shoes will never wear out because your feet never touch the ground. Once you successfully ignore the laws governing gravity all things are possible. How else could we have gotten Midnight Basketball?

If you think someone is following you you’re right.

I have endowed, anonymously of course, a new wing at Camp Gitmo for modern American Liberals who are held for observation under the Baker Act.

Just because your paranoid doesn’t mean you don’t have real enemies.




Kevin Smith
Board Certified Life Coach